“All 7 & we’ll watch them fall
They stand in the way of love
& we will smoke them all
With an intellect & a savoir-faire
No one in the whole universe
Will ever compare
I am yours now & u are mine
& together we’ll love through
All space & time, so don’t cry
One day all 7 will die”
– Prince
© Violet Ashes 2016
This morning I drove around listening to Mumford & Sons, trying to find distraction & since then it has been a day filled with contemplation. Good contemplation can, of course, always be done while shopping. Navigating my way through racks of women’s clothes, shoes & jewellery. I found myself standing in the jeans section & looking at the way the store was divided. They used nicer & more marketable words but each section was clearly thus;
Section 1: skinny, young & hip – lovely fabrics, cut well – sizes 6 – 16 only
Section 2: older, fatter, sensible – basic colour wheel & no imagination – sizes 10 – 18 only
Section 3: maternity / so fat you might as well buy maternity – all in garish colours & floral prints – sizes 16 – 26 only
I wandered through each section & also noticed that what was a size 16 in Section 1 was a totally different Size 16 to that in Section 2 & in Section 3. I was confused. How can you call it the same size? What dressmaking school did they attend? I did not understand.
I bought something from each section just to mess with their statistics.
I had to negotiate the grocery store after that – one of my most loathed tasks. People everywhere with no clue what they need or want. People picking things up, smelling them & putting them back. One lady ran over my foot with her trolley. I just stood still on the spot & was tempted to scream.
At least the coffee aisle was the one closest to the entrance of the supermarket. How convenient, I thought. Then I noticed it is the same aisle as the chocolate & lollies. How conveniently annoying – putting something everyone needs next to something everyone wants. Pure evil. I did not give the Cadbury’s hazelnut chocolate any eye contact as I walked swiftly passed & kept my head down all the way to the opposite end of the shop where they keep the milk – you need a winter coat all year round down there.
By the time I got home & invented something for dinner, tucked it away in the fridge & sat down to fold socks my mind was racing. Racing with anger for all the fat people who like coffee & cannot avoid the chocolate. For all the skinny girls that want to dress sensibly but cannot find clothes to fit & fat women that want to dress stylishly with the same problem.
Noticing that I am middle of the road on all of these issues only gave me further pause.
I knew I was avoiding my real problems by filling my mind with trivial ones & only adding to my anxiety but I couldn’t help myself. I took a peak in my email for anything exciting that might have happened in the 10 minutes since I last looked. An email stood out – a WordPress notification from the blog of Jain Carey Photography. A post entitled “After The Storm.” I opened it. I stared at the photograph. I was whisked away to shores of still water & instantly, I was calm. I am always affected by great art & today was no different. Perhaps I should take a copy of this photo in my purse with me the next time I visit the supermarket.. I could have stared at that photograph for many hours, I could have started at it all day… had the washing machine not beeped…
After the Storm by Jain Carey Photography
After The Storm — Mumford & Sons
& after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come
& I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.
Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won’t rot, I won’t rot
Not this mind & not this heart,
I won’t rot.
& I took you by the hand
& we stood tall,
& remembered our own land,
What we lived for.
& there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears.
& love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill & see what you find there,
With grace in your heart & flowers in your hair.
& now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That’s why I hold,
That’s why I hold with all I have.
That’s why I hold.
& I won’t die alone & be left there.
Well I guess I’ll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full & man so small.
Well I’m scared of what’s behind & what’s before.
& there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears.
& love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill & see what you find there,
With grace in your heart & flowers in your hair.
Last night I dreamt of Zeus & of Hera & their children. Eileithyia – with her watchful eye has followed me through the last two years & two dead babies. She whispers to me & although I understand her in the dream I do not remember her words when I wake & yet her words haunt me.
I awoke with pain lingering in my abdomen & tears on my cheeks. My husband asked me what was wrong, why was I crying & I maintained, “I’m alright, I’m fine” but I am never sure if I am.
The two dead babies in my dream – they float. They stare at me but they do not talk. I know who they are, even now, but they are not mine anymore. Eileithyia runs her hands over my back & through my hair. Whatever she says, upsets me.
I am not the same person I was before I met Eileithyia in my dreams. I am not as fickle or forlorn but I am the same amount of furious. There is a burning in my belly, a ferocious fire that wants to burn the world down – holding in my words, my thoughts & my feelings for fear of hurting people is like having lightning bolts streak through me minute by minute. If only I did not care. Perhaps I could let it out & the burning would stop. Perhaps I would be reduced to Ashes. If only.
We do not talk about these things anymore, my husband & I. I am too angry & he is too sad. All the waiting & the disappointment. The passion & the pain. It beats down our door every month & we fall deeper in all the time. We both know it cannot destroy us, we know no matter the outcome we are stronger together & stronger than anything the Gods could throw at us. But in the meantime, our daily lives are filled with hope & uncertainty; of conversations not endured & decisions not made.
“People ask me how we are,
We are, I say, mostly lost.”
Lightning Bolts – Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds
Two lightning bolts were delivered to my room,
They were gifts from Zeus.
I rock the bolts in a bassinet of pine.
People ask me how I am,
I say “I’m all right, I’m fine.
“
I push the lightning bolts in a pram,
Till the sun goes down & it gets dark,
& the girls from Jubilee Street hang out their windows,
& they wave & ask me how I am tonight.
I say “I’m good, I’m all right.”
In Athens all the youths are crying from the gas.
I’m by the hotel pool working on a tan.
People come up & ask me who I am.
I say if you don’t know, don’t ask.
Zeus laughs – but it’s the gas.
& he asks me how I am.
I say “Zeus, don’t ask.”
My lightning bolts are jolts of joy,
They are joy boys from Zeus.
I feed them porridge in their booster seats of knowledge.
& in the cradle of democracy, the pigeons are wearing gas masks.
My lightning bolts play in the elevators,
They slide down the hotel banister,
& Zeus throws a gas canister,
& it spins around the pool,
As pigeons wearing respirators steal the lightning bolts.
Zeus wants them back.
O my bolts of joy,
O my darling little boys.
They are lost to us.
& people.. .
They are never coming back.
At night I watch them sleep,
& cry years of tears,
& it’s not the gas.
People ask me how we are
“We are,” I say, “mostly lost.”
I have had 4 days with the new Tori Amos album: Unrepentant Geraldines & although I have only heard it all the way through, oh, about 30 times I feel I can safely say this is an unrepentant masterpiece.
It is Tori back to where we all want her deep down – at the piano with a soft drum & guitar hum, suitably, in the background. Her voice floats over a range of tracks that explore stories of unapologetic & unrepentant women through art & from various points of view. A shapely yet delicate web of experience, memory & desire have made up this album & I could not help but feel it must have taken significant time to compose. I have since read that Tori wrote these songs “in secret”*. Through this solitude Tori has produced some of her most melodious & distinctive sounding songs to date.
There are epic tales in these odes (‘Wedding Day’, ‘Wild Way’), beautiful, haunting lyrics that whisper & curl around you as lullabies do (‘Weatherman’, ‘Invisible Boy’, Maids of Elfen-mare), fun & bizarre tunes (‘Giant’s Rolling Pin’ & ‘Rose Dover’), a duet with her daughter, Tash (‘Promise’) that would touch the heart of any mum & then there are those special few that will be your favourites (‘Trouble’s Lament’, ‘Oysters’).
I was lucky enough to get hold of the deluxe edition of ‘Unrepentant Geraldines’ which has one extra track & for me it was everything I felt was missing from the album & this track remains my favourite: ‘Forest of Glass’. I found the darkness & depth of the track completed an incredible album. An unrepentant album. And as ever, I remain, an unrepentant Tori Amos fan.
Forest Of Glass – Tori Amos
Steal me away
Steal me away
From where I stand
Although I’m kneeling down
On the ground
Steal me away
Steal me away
From where I stand
Although I’m kneeling down
On the ground
The owl hoots & the moon beams through
A doubt awakes a voice dares to ask
Will you follow
If you love him you will follow
Will you follow
If you love him you will follow
If you love him you will follow him even ’til
His forest of glass
Forest of glass
His
Robbing the muse
Is, Is that what I’ve done
They turn & laugh
Back you do cannot do
We are the robin’s muse
& we will sing for you
Lift up your head
Lift up your heart
Lift up your head
Lift up your heart
The owl hoots & the moon beams through
A doubt awakes a voice dares to ask
Will you follow
If you love him you will follow
Will you follow
If you love him you will follow
If you love him you will follow him even ’til
His forest of glass
Forest of glass
His
Steal me away
Steal me away
From where I stand
Although I’m kneeling down
On the ground
Lift up your head
Lift up your heart
Lift up your head
Lift up your heart
Lift up your head
Lift up your heart
In his forest of glass
Forest of glass
Mirror Sculptures by Rob Mulholland
*“Tori Amos on ‘secret songs’ and SA“. IOL. 26 March 2014
Like teens all over the world, to me, the death of Kurt Cobain was devastating. I was 14. It was the day after my birthday.
20 years on as I watched Nirvana inducted into the American Hall of Fame I thought about Kurt constantly. For days sentiment hit me in a big way. I still have ‘In Utero’ (my favourite Nirvana album) on repeat wherever I go. The lyrics to ‘Very Ape‘ spurn me on.
I read Kurt’s journals daily in a sleek black hard-covered book that was published after his death which contains scanned pages from his journals, notebooks, bits of paper, letters he wrote – even his suicide note. I laugh & shake my head at how much of it is filled with his dark humour. Anguish, yes, but he had such a good sense of humour.
Today I looked through my own journals from around that time. The 1990’s were my teen years & Nirvana’s influence on my mind & my writing was clear. I found a poem I wrote which is made up of different Nirvana song titles. I laughed again… & shake my head…
A Place Called NIRVANA
You are like Lithium
& you Rape my Spirit.
Your Apologies Smell Like Bleach
& Buzz from your mouth.
As you Come In Bloom,
I hear your Heart-Shaped lies
Sifting through me like an Aneurysm.
A girl about to Turnaround,
My Lips are Beeswax & Hairspray,
Holding in Tourette like words
That could Drain You
Of the Territorial Plateau.
On which you Sliver.
Nevermind this (New Wave) Downer.
Last Night I Slept with Polly,
Then Sold her Sunbeam for a Gun
So I could Burn Out & Fade Away.
Written by Violet Ashes 1994
© Violet Ashes 2014
Journals & In Utero
Travel Alone by Neslihans
Things have been hectic for the last few weeks & weeks are turning into months since we lost our second baby. Corsmor & I have tried many times to sit down & talk, to discuss the future, but every time we do life interrupts us with phones, doorbells & distraction.
My writing is on hold again with so many other obligations, I worry every day that I may lose my ideas or that my characters will run back to their forests. Gone forever. In my mind they have lives I struggle to ignore. I keep thinking about all those movies where life is perfect. Movies with whole neighbourhoods of families that support each other – the evil always coming from the outside in, not the other way around.
In the movies people go off the grid all the time. They say “no” without consequence. In the movies family & friends are sensitive to your feelings & understand when you need them to leave you alone. In the movies, people support you when you need them & they don’t try to push you to be something you’re not. In the movies family & friendship are not a one way street. In the movies miscarriage trumps someone else’s dentist appointment, writers are heroes & everyone can have babies.
In the movies.
In real life there is no such fairy tale. The real world crashes in on your every private moment. The hours between dusk & dawn are no longer sacred. Those minutes in bed between the kisses good night & the kisses good morning are under threat of interruption.
Since these last few hectic weeks have ‘tornadoed’ through our home I have found myself growing angry & restless. I am fed up with the world outside. I want some time, time in the dark. Radio silence.
Music is one thing I use to disappear out of real life. I have found myself with a whole new playlist on my hands this year. Expressing so many different emotions.
This song by Bob Dylan is, at the moment, at the top of the list; because after the last few hectic weeks having to bury so much inside I feel different. My perspective on what is important to me has shifted. What I need to focus on is me & my writing. If there is to be a baby or a writing career then the focus needs to come higher on the priority list & that may mean some relationships have to suffer, well then so be it “I used to care, but things have changed.”
Things Have Changed – Bob Dylan
A worried man with a worried mind
No one in front of me & nothing behind
There’s a woman on my lap & she’s drinking champagne
Got white skin, got assassin’s eyes
I’m looking up into the sapphire tinted skies
I’m well dressed, waiting on the last train
Standing on the gallows with my head in a noose
Any minute now I’m expecting all hell to break loose
People are crazy & times are strange
I’m locked in tight, I’m out of range
I USED TO CARE BUT THINGS HAVE CHANGED
This place ain’t doing me any good
I’m in the wrong town, I should be in Hollywood
Just for a second there I thought I saw something move
Gonna take dancing lessons do the jitterbug rag
Ain’t no shot cuffs, gonna dress in drag
Only a fool in here would think he’s got anything to prove
Lot of water under the bridge, Lot of other stuff too
Don’t get up gentlemen, I’m only passing through
People are crazy & times are strange
I’m locked in tight, I’m out of range
I USED TO CARE BUT THINGS HAVE CHANGED
I’ve been walking forty miles of bad road
If the bible is right, the world will explode
I’ve been trying to get as far away from myself as I can
Some things are too hot to touch
The human mind can only stand so much
You can’t win with a losing hand
Feel like falling in love with the first woman I meet
Putting her in a wheel barrow & wheeling her down the street
People are crazy & times are strange
I’m locked in tight, I’m out of range
I USED TO CARE BUT THINGS HAVE CHANGED
I hurt easy, I just don’t show it
You can hurt someone & not even know it
The next sixty seconds could be like an eternity
Gonna get low down, gonna fly high
All the truth in the world adds up to one big lie
I’m in love with a woman who don’t even appeal to me
Mr. Jinx & Miss Lucy, they jumped in the lake
I’m not that eager to make a mistake
People are crazy & times are strange
I’m locked in tight, I’m out of range
I USED TO CARE BUT THINGS HAVE CHANGED
Not long ago I was asked which songs I want played at my funeral. I have always thought this a private request & although it is written in my will & there are a few close to me that know what needs to be played, I began to think more about this & about why I feel so protective about these songs.
Had I chosen the songs for me? For my family? For my husband? Would there be any mourners to hear the songs? Would they cry…? Do I want them to cry…?
I started to look across the web at other blogs & found that a lot of people are talking about this subject. I started to ask my friends & family about this. Almost all of them had a clear idea of what they wanted to be played at their funeral. Even though they will not be there to hear the songs or see the reaction it seemed intensely important to them.
Music has been a huge part of my life so I found it a difficult decision to pick just one song, so I settled on three & the version of the song is just as important as the song itself. It was a private experience, I am protective of these songs, they have been on every compilation I have ever made – they have been everywhere with me. These songs are like children to me. I will love them forever & I never grow tired of them. The lyrics speak to me, they remind me of events & emotions. I think about them constantly. They have been constant companions throughout every stage of my life.
To settle the question, yes, they were chosen for me. Not my family, my husband, or anyone else. And come the day that they are played the mourners may all look around the room & wonder why they are being subjected to these songs but (I hope) there will be a few in the room who will hear me in the songs & know why I chose them. If not, then they will be left with the puzzle to ponder – perhaps they can listen to them on a journey somewhere & think of me in a new light.
In The Air Tonight (Live Version) – Phil Collins
A Forest (Acoustic Version) – The Cure
Precious Things (Album Version) – Tori Amos
There is one more song which I keep just for Corsmor, my Husband, it is not to be played at my funeral unless he chooses. It says so much about us & how we love each other – something I’ve described in the past as “nice weird”.
Deep In The Woods (Album Version) – The Birthday Party (Nick Cave/Mick Harvey)
I have uploaded them to my YouTube video channel, you can view them by clicking on the name of the songs above.
I have known Violet for a very, very long time. Some might say, I have always known her. She will always be a part of my life, whether I ever physically meet her, or not.
There are times, like now, when the house is quiet & there is nothing to do that I can almost hear her, calling me from the backyard pond, covered in mud, ankle-deep in tadpoles with a daisy chain in her hair… “Mum…!”
So when you are a girl whose instinct is usually dead against her, who rarely follows her gut because her gut is almost always wrong, what do you do when it starts screaming louder than it ever has? When your whole body says,
“no, no, no”
but you brain says,
“Hey, what they’re saying is logical, it will all be fine?”
What do you do with that?
At some point do you have to stand up & say NO. Or do you have to put your trust in those around you & in their experience & hope (because that’s all that you can do at this point)?
I would like to hear from people whose instinct is always dead-on & learn how to find & follow mine… I have exhausted all the conversation options around me – they end in me telling other people that they’re right that I shouldn’t worry. Yet, there is this nagging, beating, banging in the back of my brain saying they are not right, they are not right at all.
I met her when I was 7. We were friends. We were in love. She went away.
I thought about her every day for the longest time. Until we met again. 7 years later.
She showed me what love is. She came out of nowhere, even now, I am certain she did not walk, but floated. We were inseparable, we spent days, end upon end, with each other. She showed me how to kiss, how to love, how to want & how to need.
We floated on clouds & whispered with cotton ball mouths. We slipped open our veins & fed velvet lust to each other. I hear her voice in my head even now & I want to walk off a cliff for her.
There is a place I go – it used to be just us. I would see her there, lying in the grass staring up at the stormy sky – I would walk through a freezing stream, through fog, afraid & there she would be waiting. I would lie next to her, shivering, & with my eyes closed I would slip my hand in hers & wish the dark away. She would whisper my name through the haze – she would find the calm in me & pull it out. In all my darkest moments I have been in that forest with her, my calm brought back to me by her whisper.
For two decades it has just been us but now there is another – he stands tall like a terrible soldier – I freeze in my tracks & the girl that I was holding disappears. It is just me & I run. I run towards him, not away. I look behind me & there is no one there. I run alone, I run fast, I run right through him.
The faster I run through the forest the closer he gets to me until I cannot run anymore. This happens over & over until I cannot run anymore. The faster I run the harder he holds me when I finally find his heart against my heart, the beats blaring in my ears – he whispers so close to my ear that I feel his breath flow through me, warming me – he whispers my name & I whisper his.
Dreaming of the forest is something that haunts me, now daily. Everyday adds another beat, another breath, but it is the same fog, the same stream, the same grass, my girl & my soldier. Standing tall. Whispering my name.
Sometimes I wonder if they will ever meet. If he could bring her home.
She went away. We were in love. We were friends. I met her when I was 7.
watch: http://youtu.be/uYzkioskF6A
I awoke screaming this morning with a man standing over the top of me. In those few seconds I was submerged in decades of memories & my heart pounded out of control. As my eyes focussed & my ears warmed up I heard Corsmor whisper,
“Hey it’s only me… are you okay?”
I closed my eyes again, slowly. My eyelids visible to me as they shut out the light. Confusion & then relief. As I rubbed my sore neck & shoulders it was then I realised my skin was clammy with sweat & I was shaking uncontrollably.
I got myself up & shook the horror somewhere deep down while I showered & washed off the nightmares that I could not remember. The water was hot enough to burn my skin right to the bone; boil me alive. I stayed that way for an hour or more.
When finally I did get out of the shower, I saw myself in the foggy mirror, my naked body looking small & overwhelmed with red & stinging scars. As I dried my hair I remembered moonlight from my dreams. I wrapped a towel around myself & walked barefoot to my piano where I sat down. The notes from ‘Clair de Lune’ filled my mind. My fingers shook on the keys & I stroked them like a long-lost pet,
“can I remember how to play… this?” I whispered
Then, like the rusty magic of a teenage boy my fingers floated & pressed on the keys, I knew the tune & it knew me. Then came calm, unimaginable.
This tune is part of the soundtrack of my life – first heard as a girl. I dreamed of one day seeing Paris, of walking streets unknown, unseen. Lying somewhere on the grass staring up at a new night sky – stars I have never seen – in a place of beauty rivalled only by the music it makes in my mind.
(visit YouTube to hear – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-LXl4y6D-QI)
Online today I was doing some pregnancy & conception research. I went with the specific questions about ovulation & to check the app I had been using on my phone was calculating it correctly.
After watching some videos & reading the stories of women that conceived in various ways & timelines I moved my attention to searching for ‘conception after miscarriage’. I read a couple of articles but after 10 minutes I started to feel sad & uncomfortable. Anxiety took over my body & I had to close the sites down. I sat in my office for a few minutes staring at my wedding ring. Feeling the tightness in my chest & the spinning in my head begin to subside. I breathed slowly & evenly. It passed. Today marks 6 months since we lost our baby at 8 weeks & still I feel anxious at the thought of conceiving again.
Today our baby would be 1 month from being born & due on our wedding anniversary. For the last few weeks I have felt okay about this, positive that we would conceive again. Today, however, all I feel is sadness. I am trying to pick myself up with some positive music & to put it, somewhat, out of my mind. Distractions do not really work. I have to accept this because I have no choice, it happened to me, to us. It is just that some days I struggle desperately to let it go. To feel moved on. Like there is something holding me back. Memories…
I read back in this blog to earlier this year. The monumentally long blog about the day we lost the baby stings in my eyes as I read it. I have to stop.
(Go HERE if you’d like to read it)
There are no platitudes here that make this better. No clichés. No quotes… And I am alone. Well, & truly, alone.
And I’m not gonna live my life on one side of an ampersand
And even if I went with you I’m not the girl you think I am
And I’m not gonna match you
Cause I’ll lose my voice completely yeah
I’m just gonna watch you
Cause I’m not the one that’s crazy
Yeah…
I have wasted years of my life
Agonizing about the fires
I started when I thought that to be strong, you must be flame retardant
And now to dress the wounds goes into question
How authentic they are
There is always someone criticizing me
She just likes playing hospital
Lying in my bed
I remember what you said
There’s no such thing as accidents
But you’ve got the headstone all ready
All carved up and pretty
Your sick satisfaction
Those his and hers matching
The daisies all push up’n
Pairs to the horizons
Your eyes full of ketchup
It’s nice that you’re trying
The headstone’s all ready
All carved up and pretty
Your sick satisfaction
Those his and hers matching
The daises all push up’n
Pairs to the horizons
Your eyes full of ketchup
It’s nice that you’re trying
And I’m not gonna live my life on one side of an ampersand
And even if I went with you, I’m not the girl you think I am
Amanda Palmer. “Ampersand.” Who Killed Amanda Palmer. Roadrunner Records, 2008
I have been busy scanning Corsmor’s photos from his albums this week – going back through his whole life. Very few of them are marked with dates so I am relying on his memory, which is excellent, his recall is uncanny.
It has been unnerving staring at pictures of past loves & friends – some of them are not even alive anymore. It does not feel like jealousy, but an emotion a lot like it which at the moment I find to be nameless. He has lived so many lives. Here, with me, he seems to have settled & he is happy – but I look at those photos & wish I knew all the stories, all the moments that he thinks of when he looks at them.
I am not enjoying the process at all – I thought that I would, but I am finding it more & more difficult. I have never been jealous of other women – certainly not his ex-lovers but looking at photos from their lives together, some that span half a decade or more is proving to be quite difficult for me. My stomach is upside down & today I have taken a break. Even after hours away the images are burned into my brain & I cannot shake this unnamed feeling.
I know what Corsmor would say if I told him this is how I felt & he would be right. He would say it is his past. That they are stories that make up who he is & I love who he is. He would say that he married ME & not them. That I am the one. That others were loved but that they did not last.
All that is logical & I understand that. Unfortunately, it does not make this unnamed feeling go away.
…Your love is like a studded leather headlock
Your kiss it could put creases in the rain
You’re rarer than a can of dandelion & burdock
And those other girls are just post-mix lemonade…
Here is the morning after & my head is pounding. Bleary eyed & my stomach in a perfect storm. The physical suffering is not what bothers me the most it is the judge & jury in my mind on an endless questioning haze watching hours of reels of my actions & my words. Lying here I am certain I will die.
There is no going back. Now I am changed forever. These things have to be written into the story of me whether I like it or not. Whether I remember them or not.
As the day goes on I remember more & more of what I do not want to remember. The hatred in me grows ever more & by the time night comes around again, I have still not left the bed in which this happened. The saying “you made your bed” rings solidly in my ears.
At 4am I get up, my naked feet land on the cold wooden floor & they creak on the way to the bathroom. I force my eyes to look in the mirror as I force my knotted hair behind my ears. I am not sure who is looking back at me. Natural looking beauty worn down by the last 24 hours, there is another person smirking back at my tear-filled eyes. & I remember her name; Nectar.
She emerges from the bathroom – moving swiftly & I am left behind. She grabs the keys to my car. She leaves the house & she unlocks the car. Behind the wheel she rests her head on the headrest & breathes out as she turns the keys. The ignition turns & the car comes to life. Amanda Palmer starts to blare & sings “we suffer morning’s most of all”. She is not wrong. I reappear in the rear-view mirror but it is not me that pulls out the driveway.
If I had a memory I would detail her movements & what happened next. All I know is that Nectar drove a long way away having done the damage & I went back to bed.
I have to drive
I have my reasons, dear
It’s cold outside
I hate the seasons here
I suffer mornings most of all
I feel so powerless & small
By ten o’clock I’m back in bed
Fighting the jury in my head
You learn to drive
It’s only natural, dear
You drive all night
We haven’t slept in years
We suffer mornings most of all
We saw you lying in the road
We tried to dig a decent grave
But it’s still no way to behave
It is a delicate position
Spin the bottle
Pick the victim
Catch a tiger
Switch directions
If he hollers
Break his ankles
To protect him
We’ll have to drive
They’re getting closer
Just get inside
It’s almost over
We will save your brothers
We will save your cousins
We will drive them far away
From streets & lights
From all signs of bad mankind
We suffer mornings most of all
Wake up all bleary eyed & sore
Forgetting everything we saw
(I’ll meet you in an hour
at the car)
-Amanda Palmer “I Have To Drive”
There are those days that all we want to hear is “I Know” & “it’s Okay”. Those days always come at the worst times. When there is no one around that wants to placate to our feelings. Those days burgeon into times where we cannot get anything right. We chase that sense of happiness that we had days previous but they have absconded. They have betrayed us for the lost boy we see in the mirror.
But I know; it is okay. I know because there is an identical identity hiding just behind the mirror. She will step out if only you would stop looking at your own reflection & see the truth of the both of us looking back at you.
I Know ~~ Fiona Apple
So be it, I’m your crowbar
If that’s what I am so far
Until you get out of this mess
And I will pretend
That I don’t know of your sins
Until you are ready to confess
But all the time, all the time
I’ll know, I’ll know
And you can use my skin
To bury your secrets in
And I will settle you down
And at my own suggestion,
I will ask no questions
While I do my thing in the background
But all the time, all the time
I’ll know, I’ll know
I can’t help you out, while she’s still around
So for the time being, I’m being patient
And amidst this bitterness
If you’ll consider this-even if it don’t make sense
All the time-give it time
And when the crowd becomes your burden
And you’ve early closed your curtains,
I’ll wait by the backstage door
While you try to find the lines to speak your mind
And pry it open, hoping for an encore
And if it gets too late, for me to wait
For you to find you love me, and tell me so
It’s ok, don’t need to say it
I will get around to explaining this when I have sorted some of it out in my own head. For now I am going to stay out in no-man’s land & enjoy the uncomfortable silence between messages as life trundles on around me.
“I See A Darkness” – Johnny Cash.
Well, you’re my friend and can you see,
Many times we’ve been out drinkin’,
Many times we’ve shared our thoughts,
But did you ever, ever notice, the kind of thoughts I got?
Well, you know I have a love, a love for everyone I know.
And you know I have a drive to live, I won’t let go.
But can you see this opposition comes rising up sometimes?
That its dreadful imposition, comes blacking in my mind.
And that I see a darkness.
And that I see a darkness.
And that I see a darkness.
Did you know how much I love you?
Is a hope that somehow you,
Can save me from this darkness.
Well, I hope that someday, buddy, we have peace in our lives.
Together or apart, alone or with our wives.
And we can stop our whoring and pull the smiles inside.
And light it up forever and never go to sleep.
My best unbeaten brother, this isn’t all I see.
Oh, no, I see a darkness.
Oh, no, I see a darkness.
Oh, no, I see a darkness.
Oh, no, I see a darkness.
Did you know how much I love you?
Is a hope that somehow you,
Can save me from this darkness.
The last week has been a challenge. An in the mind, in the heart challenge.
There are plenty of things that can be & have been said about Corsmor. I have heard & listened to every word. I have felt every word – both the good & the bad. Some of it the loveliest praise that could be given, some of it like needles in my bed. None of it is new or surprising to me & none of it pushes me away. When you marry someone who has had many lives this is something you accept. It is something you take responsibility for right alongside them. I told him this last night. To which he replied “this is the last of the nine lives, the last chance”.
I cried so hard inside.
So this is the responsibility I have. To ensure the last of his nine lives is one people will never stop talking about…
I Don’t Blame You ~~ Cat Power
Last time I saw you, you were on stage
Your hair was wild, your eyes were bright
& you were in a rage
You were swinging your guitar around
Cos they wanted to hear that sound
But you didn’t want to play
& I don’t blame you
I don’t blame you
Been around the world, in many situations
Been inside many heads in different positions
But you never wanted them that way
What a cruel price you thought
That you had to pay them back
For all that shit on stage
But it never made sense to them anyway
Could you imagine when they turned their backs
They were only scratching their heads
Cos you simply deserve the best
& I don’t blame you
I don’t blame you
They said you were the best
But then they were only kids Then you would recall the
deadly houses you grew up in
Just because they knew your name
Doesn’t mean they know
from where you came
What a sad trick you thought
that you had to play
But I don’t blame you
They never owned it
& you never owed it to them anyway
I don’t blame you
Well it is Depeche Mode day in London today – the concert of concerts and although I cannot be there is hasn’t stopped me listening to all of their albums all day. To be truthful I did not expect some of the songs to be so hard to listen to. Some of them, like ‘One Caress’, ‘In Your Room’ and ‘I Am You’ take me back to a time so close to my heart, into an area of my past I try not to stray. My heart physically aches when I hear these songs.
Almost all of them link me to a very special man with whom I shared many long nights. One of the darkest & most amazing periods of my life. Depeche Mode was the soundtrack at that time, there was nothing & no one else but him & the Mode. Even when things seemed a total mess, he brought me to a point where nothing in the real world mattered. He became my reality. He took me out of the blackness of depression & brought me into his light. For this, I am eternally grateful.
He heads off to the concert today – his excitement is palpable & I desperately wish I could have been there. The sadness that engulfs me when I think of him, listening to Mode in the heart of London, without me is almost unbearable but inescapable.
Even though we have both moved on to other people & different lives we still keep in contact. I cannot imagine how it would feel for him to be gone… I cannot imagine his (still beautiful) face being gone.
Missing someone is one of the hardest things to feel. Especially when there’s no real way to rectify it. You just have to miss them. You have to wish for them. And then, you have to let go.
I Am You ~~ Depeche Mode
You have bound my heart with subtle chains
So much pleasure that it feels like pain
So entwined now that we can’t shake free
I am you and you are me
No escaping from the mess we’re in
So much pleasure that it must be sin
I must live with this reality
I am yours eternally
There’s no turning back
We’re in this trap
No denying the facts
No, no, no
No excuses to give
I’m the one you’re with
We’ve no alternative
No, no, no
Dark obsession in the name of love
This addiction that we’re both part of
Leads us deeper into mystery
Keeps us craving endlessly
Strange compulsions that I can’t control
Pure possession of my heart and soul
I must live with this reality
I am you and you are me
I am you and you are me
I am you and you are me
I am you and you are me
There’s no turning back
We’re in this trap
No denying the facts
No, no, no
No excuses to give
I’m the one you’re with
We’ve no alternative
No, no, no
So you think you know me from little things I have said or because you’ve known me for what you deem to be ‘long enough’. I will tell you now, it will NEVER be long enough…
I wanna ask you –
Do you ever sit and wonder,
It’s so strange
That we could be together for
So long, & never know, never care
What goes on in the other one’s head?
Things I’ve felt but I’ve never said
You said things that I never said
So I’ll say something that I should have said long ago:
You don’t know me
You don’t know me at all
You don’t know me
You don’t know me at all
You could have just propped me up
On the table like a mannequin
Or a cardboard stand-up & paint me
Any face that you wanted me
To be seen.
We’re damned by the existential moment where
We saw the couple in the coma &
It was we were the cliche,
But we carried on anyway.
So, sure, I could just close my eyes.
Yeah, sure, trace and memorize,
But can you go back once you know
You don’t know me
You don’t know me at all
You don’t know me
You don’t know me at all
If I’m the person that you think I am
Clueless chump you seem to think I am
So easily led astray,
An errant dog who occasionally escapes and needs a shorter leash, then
Why the fuck would you want me back?
Maybe it’s because
You don’t know me at all
~~ Lyrics by Ben Folds
It’s raining heavily & steadily tonight. It’s quiet in the house other than the water overflowing the balcony gutters & the combustion heater struggling. Damn this rented house.
I haven’t been tired in so long now but I’m not missing sleep as much as I am missing waking up. That snuggly warmth awaking next to my husband, the struggle to wake. Since I don’t sleep & he snores I’m mostly relegated to the couch most nights. So waking up never really happens in an official way, more like a stubborn, sticky eye, yawn wake up from sleep I was aware I wasn’t getting.
Going to make a concerted effort to get sleep in my bed tomorrow night… The mornings are just too good to give up for insomnia & Veronica Mars re-runs.
“I never meant to cause you any sorrow.
I never meant to cause you any pain.
I only wanted to one time see you laughing.
I only wanted to see you laughing in the purple rain.
Purple rain, purple rain.
Purple rain, purple rain.
Purple rain, purple rain.
I only wanted to see you bathing in the purple rain.”
33 years of less Joy in the world. I hope your rest continues to be a peaceful one Ian Curtis.
“New Dawn Fades”
A change of speed,
a change of style.
A change of scene,
with no regrets,
A chance to watch,
admire the distance,
Still occupied,
though you forget.
Different colours,
different shades,
Over each mistakes were made.
I took the blame.
Directionless so plain to see,
A loaded gun won’t set you free.
So you say.
We’ll share a drink & step outside,
An angry voice & one who cried,
We’ll give you everything & more,
The strain’s too much, can’t take much more.’
I’ve walked on water, run through fire,
Can’t seem to feel it anymore.
It was me, waiting for me,
Hoping for something more,
Me, seeing me this time,
Hoping for something else
Romania wins. Hands down. Dude in a dress with falsetto. The commentator said “every successful man has a woman under his dress” lol LOVE IT
“If travel is searching
& home has been found
I’m not stopping
I’m going hunting
I’m the hunter
I’ll bring back the goods
But I don’t know when
… Thought that i could organise freedom
How Scandinavian of me
You sussed it out, didn’t you?
You could smell it
So you left me on my own
To complete the mission
Now I’m leaving it all behind
I’m going hunting
I’m the hunter…
You just didn’t know me!”
~~Bjork
Feeling a little wild at the moment – wanting something to sink my teeth into, this ‘being finished at a decade old job’ thing is not as easy as I thought it would be.
There are so many wishes in my mind – they run silently around chasing each other trying to beat each other to the front of the line. I wonder which one will win?
.:: Original artwork by Jessica Stewart – www.whenyouescape.com ::.
The most beautiful song of all time.
‘With time’ (Avec le Temps)I walked out into the kitchen & told Corsmor we are pregnant this morning. It is very, very early but it was a certain positive. He held me tight & his happiness filled me with hope.
We took a short walk in the forest & went blackberry picking. As Corsmor ate handfuls of berries, his hands stained burgundy, he nicknamed our baby ‘Pip’.
This news we have waited for does not feel real – but I am filled with joy & it does not leave my mind for a minute.
I am tired & calm & it is the end of a very surreal day.
I feel as if we are beginning something. Something that is truly ours is happening. It is life.
So close no matter how far
Couldn’t be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters
Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don’t just say
And nothing else matters
Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters
Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
But I know
Despite the wanting to, it’s been a long time since I’ve been able to sit in a quiet house and play my piano like a mad woman. Though recently I’ve been feeling the notes in my fingers and I notice my fingers are playing tunes on every surface they touch. Tap, tap, tap. The steering wheel mostly – they involuntarily start campaigning against me.
Maybe it’s time to pull the piano back into the Garden…
Feeling nauseated about what the day is going to bring… Only soothing thing is the cool Barossa Gum Tree breeze & the Kings of Leon tunes. Get out of the car Ashes. Get out…
In your room
Where time stands still
Or moves at your will
Will you let the morning come soon
Or will you leave me lying here
In your favourite darkness
Your favourite half-light
Your favourite consciousness
Your favourite slave
In your room
Where souls disappear
Only you exist here
Will you lead me to your armchair
Or leave me lying here
Your favourite innocence
Your favourite prize
Your favourite smile
Your favourite slave
Beautiful Piano & Violin ‘Urban Planning Exhibition’ building in Huainan City, China.
I love functionality that doubles as art.
Best Batman soundtrack ever…
Leo & I always loved this part of the first Batman movie…we would follow the dance moves in our lounge room & sing along to Prince.
RIP Lord of the Keys.
Jon Lord (Deep Purple)
9 June 1941 – 16 July 2012
Mumford & Sons are coming to Adelaide in October – why oh why play the Entertainment Centre with standing room only? What’s wrong with Thebarton Theatre? Better sound, better atmosphere… Ticket sales lost here…
It feels like nothing matters in our private universe
All my little plans and schemes
Lost like some forgotten dream
Seems like all I really was doing
Was waiting for you
Just like little girls and boys
Playing with their little toys
Seems like all they really were doing
Was waiting for you
Don’t need to be alone
No need to be alone
It’s real love
Yes it’s real, yes it’s real love
It’s real, yes it’s real love…
From this moment on I know
Exactly where my life will go
Seems that all I really was doing
Was waiting for love
Don’t need to be afraid
No need to be afraid
It’s real love
Yes it’s real, yes it’s real love
It’s real, yes it’s real love…
Thought I’d been in love before,
But in my heart I wanted more
Seems like all I really was doing
Was waiting for you
Don’t need to be alone
No need to be alone
It’s real love
Yes it’s real, yes it’s real love
It’s real, yes it’s real love…
This sounds like my upright piano – beauty.
I have thought a lot about you lately. About how we used to talk & talk, all the conversations I cannot recall. I just want to look in your eyes again while you smoke a joint & look so natural in that beauty you carry so well. Lying there in yellow, such solid beauty that I would have done anything you asked me to, gone anywhere you wanted to, followed you everywhere. I never did know how to tell you that – how the mornings were easy because you were there & the midnights seemed to last an eternity if I was next to you.
You could call me now & I would drop everything.
That girl in the sundress in my mind. In the yellow. Over there. With the hair & the smile. With the joint & the books full of letters just for me. That girl. Over there. Just out of reach. In the yellow.
Sundress – Ben Kweller
Everybody’s trying to be the best
What about the girl with loneliness?
I like your sundress
I like your sundress
What about the girl with loneliness?
From the inside out
You’re so beautiful
I want to hold you in my hand.
I do everything you want me to
I do everything you want me to do
I want to start going on a morning walk.
What about the days when we used to talk?
I don’t need a smile from a mannequin,
I just want to hold you in my hands.
I do everything you want me to,
I do everything you want me to,
I do everything you want me to do.
From the inside out you’ve changed,
Girl you know you have don’t make a good thing bad,
Just let me hold you in my hands.
I do everything you want me to
I do everything you want me to do
I do everything everything,
Everything I do everything you want me to
I do everything you want me to do do do for you
(Listen to this here: http://youtu.be/H5tRNEs5lDU?t=1s)
Kathy Weber Yellow Dress
Current mood: Intense
2007 Top Ten (in no particular order)
1. Manson Concert – 11 October
2. The Great Divide – 27 Sept
3. Tori Amos Concert – 21 Sept
4. Finding an old friend on his birthday – 12 October
5. Adelaide Fringe Festival – 24 March
6. New Year’s Day @ Glenelg – 1 January
7. Going with Maximus to the Zoo
8. Nights on the Balcony at home
9. Making the Sensory Panel @ Orlando Wines
10. Heroes
Comments
Tyson Boyce: I’m so pissed I missed the Manson concert here in London
It’s not my fault, it can’t be my fault
That you speak to me the way you do.
Now I’m split in two,
I’m half me half you but I hate us both, don’t you?
No of course you don’t, of course you don’t
You said life is peachy without me
Of course you don’t, of course you don’t
You said life is peachy without me
It’s not your fault, it can’t be your fault
That I let you crawl inside my head
Cause you know my places, & know that face
But I hate this taste, don’t you?
No of course you don’t, of course you don’t
You said life is peachy without me
No of course you don’t, of course you don’t
You said life is peachy without me
It’s no one’s fault, it’s nobody’s fault
That I fell on you & you on me
It’s what humans do, & they pass on through
But I think we can’t, don’t you?
No of course you don’t, of course you don’t
You said life is peachy without me
No of course you don’t, of course you don’t
You said life is peachy without me
Comment:
Troyski
It’s a nice poem. But the word fault is part of the blame game (as you may very well be aware of).
I wish all the blood would drain from my body & fill the room with the numb that I feel. My head is so full of thoughts like these that I find it difficult to see the real from the replica. Everyone looks & sounds the same. We all know this is my fault. We all know that the numb is a projection. If only someone would direct the camera, we could have a show.
Given Up
Wake in a sweat again
Another day’s been laid to waste
In my disgrace
Stuck in my head again
Feels like I’ll never leave this place
There’s no escape
I’m my own worst enemy
I’ve given up…
I’m sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say?
Take this all away
I’m suffocating!
Tell me what the fuck is wrong with me!
I don’t know what to take
Thought I was focused but I’m scared
I’m not prepared
I hyperventilate
Looking for help somehow somewhere
And no one cares I’m my own worst enemy
I’ve given up…
I’m sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say?
Take this all away
I’m suffocating!
Tell me what the fuck is wrong with me!
GOD!
Put me out of my misery
Put me out of my misery
Put me out of my…
Put me out of my fucking misery!
I’ve given up I’m sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say?
Take this all away I’m suffocating! Tell me what the fuck is
Wrong with me!
I caught Violet out today burning old letters in the backyard. This comes as no surprise to me as she is a painful, passionate little thing. With no expectation of an answer I asked;
“Why are you burning them?”
“Because life is peachy without me” she snapped
Clearly she had been listening intently to way too much Missy Higgins – or so I thought.
We stood around her little bonfire for quite some time before she spoke again. I did not need to know whose letters they were because I had made my guess & was correct.
“He has no conscience. How can anyone act that way – like nothing ever passed between us, like no unspoken treasures existed between our hearts?” Violet begged at the fire for the answer but nothing came.
Why she felt she needed to burn such ancient letters, quite probably from many years ago, in order to find the answer I was not going to ask – I did not want to end up on the fire myself. There was enough fire in her eyes to burn the pages without a match but there we were with an ever growing, glowing explosion spitting words back at us from the pages. I could make out words in ashes like;
“Love”
“Promise”
“Future”
“Cat”
“Dream”
I tried to grab one back from the pyre but Violet quickly snapped back my arm from my elbow;
“Don’t! The words need to burn. They need to disappear like the years.”
I guess they don’t call her Violet Ashes for nothing….
Current mood: gloomy
One sad & sorry mother fucker of a security guard got more than she asked for out of Violet at the recent Marilyn Manson concert after accusing her of smoking in the toilets. What is she – 15?
Security vs. Goth standing in the middle of the foyer at Thebarton Theatre.
“GET FUCKED,” Violet’s screaming. Trying to tell the guard that if she was going to bother smoking she would not be hiding in the toilets.
A sea of Goths parted & there they were fist to fist in the middle of the foyer – what a sight. For people who are happy to slice up any day of the week us Goths are pretty peace minded I must say. This night though, there was no fucking with Violet. She was not going to be told what to do.
I sat back & watched the fight,
“Use your fists & not your mouth…”
“I wasn’t born with enough middle fingers…” raging through my mind…
For Digger – if you ever read this… It’s all I ever wanted to say but never found the words x
“Where I Stood”
I don’t know what I’ve done
Or if I like what I’ve begun
But something told me to run
& honey you know me it’s all or none
There were sounds in my head little voices whispering
That I should go & this should end
Oh & I found myself listening
‘Cos I don’t know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
& I don’t know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
‘Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
See I thought love was black & white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain’t leaving without a fight &
I think I am just as torn inside
‘Cos I don’t know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
& I don’t know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
‘Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
& I won’t be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself & so I say to you
This is what I have to do
‘Cos I don’t know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
& I don’t know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
‘Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood
Current mood: sad
Then there she was
Like double cherry pie
There she was
Like disco superfly
I smell Sex and Candy
Hangin’ ’round downtown by myself
I had too much caffeine
I was thinkin’ ’bout myself
& then there she was
In platform double suede
Yeah there she was
Like disco lemonade
I smell Sex and Candy
Who’s that casting
Devious stares
In my direction
Mama this surely
Is a dream
Mood: Melancholy
Mood: 
Awake – after this turned out to be an April Fools Day joke.
On 7th of June I will have to find myself a ticket to NYC so I can step out to ‘The Bitter Apple’ for “A Steak That I’m Used To” washed down with “The Condemnation”….
http://www.thebitterapple.com
Dave Gahan, lead singer of the band Depeche Mode, widens his artistic expression on June 7th, and opens up his first restaurant. Named “the bitter apple“, after Gahan’s song “Bitter Apple” (from his first solo album, “Paper Monsters”), the restaurant opens the door for Dave to express his culinary side. “I’ve always wanted to open up a restaurant, but with obligations to Depeche, as well as my solo career, I never had the time. Now is the time.” Taking over the restaurant site formerly known as Poetessa, the bitter apple promises to be one of the cooler restaurants in the NYC area. With a small sound stage in the back of the restaurant, owner Dave Gahan promises to “have the joint rocking”.
I miss you
Accidental Babies
Well I held you like a lover; happy hands and your elbow in the appropriate place. And we ignored our others, happy plans, with a delicate look upon your face. Our bodies moved and hardened; hurting parts of your garden with no room for a pardon in a place where no one knows what we have done.
Do you cum together ever with him? Is he dark enough, enough to see your light? And do you brush your teeth before you kiss? Do you miss my smell? Is he bold enough to take you on? Do you feel like you belong? And does he drive you wild or just mildly free?
What about me?
Well you held me like a lover; sweaty hands and my foot in the appropriate place. And we use cushions to cover happy glands in the mild issue of our disgrace. Our minds pressed and guarded while our flesh disregarded the lack of space for the light-hearted in the boom that beats our drum.
Well I know I make you cry and I know sometimes you wanna die but do you really feel alive without me? If so: be free. If not: leave him for me. Before one of us has accidental babies.
For we are in love.
Do you cum together ever with him? Is he dark enough, enough to see your light? And do you brush your teeth before you kiss? Do you miss my smell? Is he bold enough to take you on? Do you feel like you belong? And does he drive you wild or just mildly free?
What about me? What about me? What about…?
I have slept all these days & now I find myself unable to close my eyes… I have lost so much these recent years & only gained a little. I never let myself think that things could be improving, it is just tempting fate & let’s face it fate has rarely been my friend… Chewy is at work tonight, began night shift yesterday & already I am finding it lonesome… I miss his space invading mine. I face two problems:
1. I am forever caught up in moments, never letting anything slip by, analysing every moment
2. The solution I am told is to just let the days go by, to relax. Well I do not want to let the days go by, I will miss so much & I refuse to miss those little things & all of those rare big things. I am told that I rarely see the ‘big picture’ because I am so caught in the little details… I like them… I will not sink in this skin. I will not let the days go by. I will let these tears fall & shimmer like glycerine…
Glycerine – Bush (1995)
Must be your skin that I’m sinking in
Must be for real ‘cos now I can feel
& I didn’t mind it’s not my kind
Not my time to wonder why
Everything’s gone white
& everything’s grey
Now you’re here now you’re away
I don’t want this remember that
I’ll never forget where you’re at
Don’t let the days go by
Glycerine
I’m never alone
I’m alone all the time
Are you at one
Or do you lie
We live in a wheel
Where everyone steals
But when we rise it’s like strawberry fields
I treated you bad
You bruise my face
Couldn’t love you more
You got a beautiful taste
Don’t let the days go by
Could have been easier on you
I couldn’t change though I wanted to
Could have been easier by three
Our old friend fear & you & me Glycerine
Don’t let the days go by
Glycerine
I needed you more
When we wanted us less
I could not kiss just regress
It might just be
Clear simple & plain
That’s just fine that’s just one of my names
Don’t let the days go by
Could’ve been easier on you
Glycerine
Add the song ‘Fix You’ by Coldplay to the list of songs I wish someone had written for me! I had not every really listened to that song until today, I wish I had sooner.
When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse
& the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
& ignite your bones
& I will try to fix you
& high up above or down below
When you’re too in love to let it go
But if you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth
Lights will guide you home
& ignite your bones
& I will try to fix you
Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
& I…
Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
& I…
Lights will guide you home
& ignite your bones
& I will try to fix you
Split Enz concert tonight at the Entertainment Centre in Adelaide. Interesting evening.
I of course lost the tickets – why does that surprise me? But we made it in any way.
I was distracted by you all night, sitting so close. I loved the concert, the music, that distance closing between us. I have felt so far from you that I am sure my frustration showed.
We agreed that the average age there was almost certainly late 30’s – interesting as I knew Chesty was sitting with J way across the sea of people both of them way beyond my meagre 26.
They played “Dirty Creature” – I was looking forward to that though of course I’d not told you. Not sure you noticed me singing it… listening to it? There is so much I don’t tell you that I want to.
Dirty Creature come my way from the bottom of a big black lake
Shuffles up to my window making sure I’m awake
S’probably gonna pick my brain
Got me in a vice-like grip
He said one slip, your dead. Ha.
Dirty Creature of habit, little horror here to stay
Anyone in his right mind would tell it to go away
But the river of dread runs deep, full of unspeakable things
The creature don’t mess around
I don’t wanna mess with him
I don’t wanna sail, I don’t wanna sail
I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna sail tonight
Dirty Creature’s got me at a disadvantage from the inside.
Tentacles on the brain keep me from falling asleep
I’m rooted to the spot, the beast don’t know when to stop
Sneaking up from behind, Binds & gags my wits
Dirty Creature got my head exactly where he wants it
I don’t wanna sail, I don’t wanna sail,
I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna sail tonight,
Taniwha is waiting for me just below the surface so bright
Even as we speak the Dirty Creature springs a nasty surprise.
Dirty Creature knows my type found it in a magazine
He’s seen the look of fear before splattered all over the screen
The animal magnet thug draws me out of myself
I need a dragon-slayer who can save me from myself
I don’t wanna sail, I don’t wanna sail,
I don’t wanna set sail for the middle of nowhere tonight
Dirty Creature’s got me at a disadvantage from the inside
I don’t wanna sail upon the waters of invention tonight
You held my hand as we walked through the crowd, I was cold, but warm being so close to you. You ‘ran into’ a friend, her name escapes me. I do not know what, or who, overcame be but I wanted to run. I wanted to take you in my hands & run you through my fingers, far from there. Jealousy perhaps, she was of course, breathtaking. I have never clearly understood why you would be interested in me at all being 12 years my senior & not to mention surrounded by beautiful women? What can I say after all, we are apparently “just friends…” Women gather themselves around you – I am no different to them in this regard & cannot put my finger on it myself. You have this most stunning aura, & a laughter from deep within that seems so addictively honest & sincere. I have my moments still believing that you simply cannot be real.
The crowd went mad before the first encore – you included – seeing so many sides of you that I did not know where to look & yet could not take my eyes off of you. The spoon solo made you laugh & how I love to hear you laugh; that innocent Meta that I rarely see. Your shade of Jade so often is your front fence.
I did not want to leave you at all. You seemed to want to leave me though so I let it happen. I will never know why.
“And so, that’s how it goes. Never the first, always the last to know”
~~ Tim Finn
I ‘re-found’ a song today which fits perfectly in with how I am feeling. I am not sure how I ever lost this song. It is on Powderfinger’s first album.
When you are set to throw in your hand
When you are far from home
When what you believe is buried in your hands
When you feel outgrown
I’ll be the one to pick you up again
When you decide you’ve had enough of it
I’ll be the one
I’ll be the one
When your speech is slow
When your eyes are closed
When you feel betrayed
When your heart is frayed
When your feet are cold
When your sights are low
I’ll be the one to pick you up again
When you decide you’ve had enough
When you’re set to throw it in
I’LL BE THE ONE.
I wish that I was that person for someone. I try hard to be there for Riot Grrrl especially because she has a lot going on, but I think I fail a lot of the time. I am trying to spend more time with her. Not because I think she needs me, but because I like spending time with her & I should make time. Especially if what she has been saying is true; she is going to live in Darwin when she has finished her degree. I am not afraid that she will, I am happy that she has found ‘home’ but I think I should make the most of our friendship while she is still here.
She gave me back our book today. Some of the things she said were surprising – she has discovered that someone she knew did not die the way she had been told (in his sleep). That he shot himself in the bathtub & was not found for what sounds like weeks which means that he had absolutely no dignity left. In my opinion it is what he deserves.
When she spoke to her mum about it all, her mum said, “I hope he burns in Hell.” That is fair enough I think, but Riot Grrrl said “God forgives & he’s probably in heaven”. I’m not going to stop her believing that but, in my opinion, if God existed, there is no way in Hell that what that man did can be forgiven. I think Riot Grrrl has to come to peace with it, but forgiveness does not come into that equation. That man should spend eternity having to live with what he has done to her. He should have to be tortured for what he has done. There is no forgiveness for such a crime. If God forgives things like that then there is absolutely no point in trying to be good & worry about any of it because he is just going to forgive you. Riot Grrrl isn’t the hypocrite here, God is.
Violet Ashes 