Tag Archives: Metatron

Crazy Week

Crazy week is only days away & I already feel the effects of it & I know it is irrational but I cannot stop it.
 
I found myself extremely angry this morning. It tarnished & enveloped the entire morning & every person I encountered. I could see my anger, my mood, wash over them like a tide & take them to feelings of frustration & impatience that spilled out onto other people. I could not stop it; did not really want to either. There is something bitter sweet about everyone dipping their toes in my emotional lard.
 
They are exhausting; these emotions. Not craziness, but not sanity either.
 
I am a passenger in my own body. I am talking to & directing the person driving but they cannot hear me. I am not sure where it is I would rather they took me but I know that I do not want to be where I am now.
 
So many people are ill in the office I work in. I avoid hem & the thought of becoming ill. Trying to chase the colds & flus away. I do not want to get sick, again. Partly because I am already so tired but mostly because whatever I catch goes to Meta too & I cannot bare to see him suffer.
 
I am not sure why I am feeling this uptight. There is usually something at the centre of it that I am vaguely aware of but this time it is not clear at all.

Real Love

All my little plans and schemes
Lost like some forgotten dream
Seems like all I really was doing
Was waiting for you
 
Just like little girls and boys
Playing with their little toys
Seems like all they really were doing
Was waiting for you
 
Don’t need to be alone
No need to be alone
 
It’s real love
Yes it’s real, yes it’s real love
It’s real, yes it’s real love…
 
From this moment on I know
Exactly where my life will go
Seems that all I really was doing
Was waiting for love
 
Don’t need to be afraid
No need to be afraid
 
It’s real love
Yes it’s real, yes it’s real love
It’s real, yes it’s real love…
 
Thought I’d been in love before,
But in my heart I wanted more
Seems like all I really was doing
Was waiting for you
 
Don’t need to be alone
No need to be alone
 
It’s real love
Yes it’s real, yes it’s real love
It’s real, yes it’s real love…
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Loose

I would like to know exactly what I have done to Chesty to make her avoid me. When I invite her to lunch there is a new reason not to spend time with me & it feels like “” is constant.
I must stop trying, what is the point after all this rejection. She does not talk to me anymore – not even emails or text messages – time I took the hint!

Alone again…

My family eat up any friends I have. Like I am not good enough to stick to. Or worse my family decide those I choose are not good enough & poison the friendship until I give up & I am alone again.

Last night I was being told how much they love Meta & how well we are suited together. I could not help but think back to the times when they were telling me I should not be friends with him. After he did what..? Made an ill-timed joke at Xmas while all were drunk? Please, what a loose apology. Now I am supposed to be grateful that they all love him? Turns out my choice in friends/men is not so bad after all… Maybe I just worked out it does not matter what anyone else thinks?

Bloodlines

Meta told me tonight that discussing The Barn hurts him. I do not want to hurt him but how do I not mention the issues? The constant speeding when it seems to affect everything we do. He cannot control himself & the blame seems squarely on me. The eyes of his friends & family squarely on me, all waiting for me to get him out of this mess – change him, bring him home. I do not have that kind of power over Meta, no one does. They should all know that by now.

Meta chooses his family – bloodlines have nothing to do with it. Those lucky enough to be chosen, never let go.

What he really feels is guilt because he The Barn situation fucked up his friendship with Cole & truth be told I think that is upsetting him more than anything. What I cannot work out is why I should care about this? After how poorly she treated me. I feel sorry that Meta is upset, but I do not feel sad that these ties are dying. If he really cared about them he would have done more to support them, you do not just abandon family. Especially those who you chose to call family.

I will need to keep an eye on this – for fear of becoming redundant too.

Free

I Am Free
Some new experiments & surprises lately; eye bolts in the walls I did not know about, an outdoor adventure – things are never dull around here. I have been ill for a few days & Meta & I have been unable to make love but that has not made this relationship less visible nor less important. We have so many ways to connect – his eyes catch mine & I hear him in my mind.
He takes very good care of me & I am thankful to have such a strong yet sensitive partner. His soft touch impresses me but what surprises me as how swiftly & seamlessly he is able to dominate me by the same hand.

Solitary

Metatron has spent the last week in a self-imposed withdrawal where I am not welcome. There is no room for anything except sleep & the occasional sarcastic quip. Moments of lucidity bring profuse apologies but he keeps me at a distance. My reply is the eternally dull ‘’Okay’’ but it does not feel okay. It is a lie.

He is currently faking sleep on the couch half listening to Bathurst, half listening to me. Not really where he appears to be. Wondering what all my tapping is about, wondering why I am ignoring him. Now he will go back to bed & I will not see him for the rest of the day.

He keeps secrets; so much of his past – a mystery. Information must be drawn out like a long hot bath until I am covered in so much contradiction I am drowning & lost under the surface desperately needing to come up for air. Secrets breed suspicion – he does not understand this is something I need to avoid. Having a wild imagination is not a virtue.

For the most part Meta is the most wonderful & challenging man I have ever met; the fact that those two aspects do not occur in equal parts is probably what keeps me here.

During a lucid phase today we talked a lot about Lacomus. Meta mentioned he feels Lacomus is stalking him because [quote] “if he’s drug fucked that’s something he would do.” I tried to delve deeper into what this might mean but he did not elaborate stating “I do not want to fill your head with hearsay”. Well, hearsay, my ass. Would it not be better for me to know these things so that I may be aware? Keeping me in the dark does not keep me safe.

I get glimpses of a hidden & vicious side to Meta which is present or in his past. I do not know how much this is feigned or if it is intentional. Under the right circumstances sex & violence are sexy – truth be told I continue to hope I have met my match. That overwhelming urge to run sometimes makes the thrill even stronger. His constant personality shifts seem like they are intended as a distraction, but from what?

He has an uncanny ability to get under (or over my walls) in a very subtle way. This differs so much from my techniques – I smash through walls, not usually concerned with the outcome or the damage. I can only suppose that is why so many of my relationships & friendships end up as unrecognisable piles of rubble with me standing victorious on top. Victorious, but alone.

I do not want that to happen here. I do not want to be left with a pile of rubble, I want to build something. I have never felt this way & it is disconcerting & at times overwhelming.

I am tired of being alone.

New Dawn Purple by d4rkn3ss

Stillness

Real life seems to have gotten in the way of mine & Meta’s journey at the moment & while it is a welcome distraction to have my family around me I do miss our weekends alone; free to do as we please.
We still find time for each other within this though which I am pleased about. Meta is conscious of my needs as I am his. Lately there has been a stillness inside me that we are working through & although we do not often discuss it openly I know that he is very much aware of this.
Perhaps we all reach plateau’s in our lives where we seem to coast along but I believe in shaking things up which I plan to do once we can create some space and time for ourselves.

Ashes 02

I-Contact

When Meta & I make love & he has or is speeding things are unlike our usual session. He is aggressive, he is matter of fact; he is demanding & experimental.

Today while sucking his cock before I slipped into my subspace I was considering his mind & whether he knew I was there – whether his apparent semi-disinterest was nothing more than him entering his own space. I pondered & doubted whether (despite his erection) he enjoyed my attention to him at all. Whether his arousal was more about wanting than it was about sharing. All of which in my honest heart has little effect on my own enjoyment of him. My mind wandered as he forced his cock as far down my throat as he was able, as my eyes watered & I began to feel the hotness between my thighs – it wandered to the times he has shown me the inside of his heart through passion, & through his unending desire. It wandered to the first time we made love, to the 4 hours of head sex where he came but once & I wondered how much speed he had ingested that day. Whether he was nervous & needed that to settle his mind, to concentrate.

Years of our love & sex laid are out in text messages & inboxes. In emails & in words. In looks & in slight burning touches of our skin. Rarely moving close enough for anyone outside our bodies to notice. The fire between us burns strong. This fire is contained at the moment. It is unable to spill out of us. It is in moments like today when I ponder his love & his passion that I find the fire of this love to be so powerful.

He asked me without words to remove my clothes & I complied. I moved from his cock to kiss his mouth but I was met with a stone like look, I am not sure where he was but he was not entirely with me. I could not hear the porn in the background, I had barely noticed it at all as we laid together watching it. I had been intently listening to his heart beat ever increasing until I spoke & until he ordered me to suck…

He is making himself a drink in our Barn kitchen, he is floating as I walk past him to the bathroom & he gives me no eye contact & I wonder if I am being punished. I again walk past him to the bedroom to put on my clothes after cleaning up & again he is absently operating without a sense that I am there. Not intentional perhaps but perhaps representative of his state of mind? I wonder for a moment if he had thought the water from my eyes was tears & not my bodies simple gag reflex. It did not seem of concern to him at the time. Although as I was trapped in my own thoughts of him while sucking him I was unaware if he was watching me at all.

I must remember to look him in the eye. I would like to command his attention. His gaze over me. I have been unable to achieve this. I am unable… I am… unable…

HIS

I cannot wait for tomorrow. To be next to him, a whole day, just us. So much to look forward to.


“I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.”
― Anaïs Nin

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Freedom Fortnight

I have decided I will start taking my meds again tomorrow. It has been 2 weeks, 2 weeks of freedom. Meta calls it a rollercoaster but noted he had not read the word ‘numb’ in a while. That is because I have not been numb this whole time – freedom fortnight – but the anger is creeping in again & I cannot afford to lose what I have gained.
 
There is one thing that remains constant whether I am on or off the meds; the fact that I want to die. I just have more fun trying to get it done while I am off them. Which is not to say it is a game, it is not. It would be a pretty silly game if it were. I keep thinking about Sunday. I wish Meta had pressed his hands a little harder on me when we were in the car – the struggle between two personalities. The Ashes on the inside & the Nectar on the outside. I could have died in that moment. I was so ready for it. All parts of me were ready for me to come out.
 
I remember the version of me the day I first met Meta in the city. When I walked up to him & we walked down O’Connell Street together, bumping shoulders. There was something about him I had never felt before. Something unique & sticky that made me drawn to his insides. It made me want to devour him with each accidental touch. All day that feeling nagged at me. It will never make sense to me why two people who had met in the written word world had chosen the silence of a cinema to meet. Where no words could be exchanged. When we sat there our hands brushed against each other so many times. I knew in his eyes who he was & he knew in mine. In the final moments he kissed me unexpectedly & passionately & I asked him,
 
   “Why?”
He said,
   “I just wanted to know if it was real.” & it was. It still is.
 
Between then & now there have been so many unspoken conversations. So many deleted lines. So many things I wish I had not said to him. So much hurt & so much pain. A trip to Mars & a trip to the crazy house. More trips to hospitals & cuts than I can name & still we manage to find each other at the end of the day in the silence of our loveless homes.
 
Today Chesty said to me
 
  “You & Meta get along so well, you really are amused by the things he says & he really makes you laugh. It is rare to have a male friend that makes you feel so comfortable & so happy. Clearly you love each other very much”.
 
She is right. I could not have said it better myself

A Yearning Panic

19:32 GoogleTalk conversation with Metatron:

Metatron: you need to laugh
Ashes: I need you.
Metatron: you have me. and thats something you dont have to ask for i really panic when i cant find you.. i get so scared i cant breath.. i need you
Ashes: Do you think I am not coming back? Is that why you panic?
Metatron: i dont think at all.. i cant get past you not being here
Ashes: I do not mean to make you panic…  though I could if I were evil…  kidding.  I am sorry
Metatron: im thinking about having you chipped
Ashes: only if you do it yourself
 
He makes me want so many things I cannot have.

Q&A

1. Were you smiling when you woke up this morning?
No, it was before the sun came up and I was not pleased

2. When was the last time you met someone new?
yesterday – the new chick @ work

3. What is irritating you right now?
my skin

4. when was the last time you ate pizza?
a looooong time ago

5. When was the last time you held someone’s hand?
today, my nephew

6. Do you have any famous friends?
yes – one of them is on tour a the moment, one is shooting up drugs to avoid touring, one just lost his seat in the state election, one is locked away writing his next novel & one is drawing cartoons somewhere in Glasgow

7. What’s the last book you read?
Lighthouse Family – Jeanette Winterson

8. Last words you heard spoken?
“1200 spires, the only sound – Moscow burning”

9. Have you ever kissed anyone who’s name started with a G?
Yes… Greg…

10. Besides your bed, what is your favorite thing in your room?
My locked wooden box of old letters

11. Do you enjoy piercings and tattoos?
yes

12. Who is in the room with you?
Neo & Violet is fading in and out

13. What are you wearing on your feet?
Nothing

14. What is the next concert you’re going to?
Foo Fighters

16. What was the last concert you saw?
Marliyn Manson

17. Can you play the drums?
I tried but I can’t coordinate my hands and feet

18. What’s the closest item near you that is blue?
The power lights on the laptop

20. Do you prefer warm or cold weather?
the colder the better

21. Is any part of your body sore?
yes my left wrist and my stomach

22. What do you wear more, jeans, sweatpants or slacks?
jeans…

23. What is the last movie you watched?
Quills

24. What do you currently hear right now?
Tori Amos singing “Datura” & the hum of the airconditioner

25. When did you last buy a pair of pants?
last week

26. When did you last take a picture with someone?
23rd November – Chewy’s birthday

27.Have you ever tripped in public, regained your balance, and been embarrassed?
yes but I don’t get embarrassed

28. Where did you sleep last? With anyone?
my bed with Neo

29. Where do you shop the most?
Ebay

31. Coach Purse or NFL game tickets?
NFL

32. Where was your default picture taken?
Glenelg Foreshore

33. Why did you pick your background?
Cos I like it

34. What do you currently smell like?
The Ocean

35. What did you eat last?
Jatz biscuits and cheese 2 days ago and a coffee

36. Would you rather watch football or baseball?
football

37. Missing someone right now?
Yeah Metatron called me and I missed his call and he isn’t replying to my txts… he is out in the desert organising flights so I suppose he can’t be blamed.

38. What’s the strangest fact about you?
I adore pain & twisties & icecream. Not necessarily in that order.

39. Where is your number one person on your friends list?
Probably smashed off his tits on Absinthe and painting watercolours

41. Do you feel like dancing?
nope

42. Last person you texted?
Metatron – but like I said before, he’s not replying…

43. How much money do you have on you?
$20

44. Do you sleep naked?
Yes

45. Is there someone on your mind that shouldn’t be?
Yes he isn’t replying to my texts I said that already!

46. Do you burn easily in the sun?
Nope I don’t go out in the sun I am a goth silly

47. Do you speak another language other than English?
French, a little Russian, Romanian, Japanese and Hungarian

48. Do you still like the last person you kissed?
I love him but I don’t like him very much at the moment

50. Who were the last people you went out to dinner with?
Metatron

51. What was the last text message you sent?
“sorry I missed your text – I miss you”

52. What was the weather like today?
hot and sticky

53. Where did your last hug take place?
in my kitchen

54. Did you cry today?
yes

55. Who are you spending christmas with?
Chewy & Neo

Current mood: exhausted

Deletion

Delete or not to delete. That is the question. When someone sends a text message that you feel is important for whatever reason, do you keep them? Even if it is for years? Would you delete it because someone asked you to?
 
This afternoon Violet & I sat down for a conversation on the lawn & she told me how she finds herself keeping text messages that she feels are important & sometimes, some that are not but she likes what they say. Perhaps it is because she likes how they make her feel is what I suggested. She had some strange reasons for deleting them. Apart from the obvious “my phone was full” she explained that sometimes it just felt right. Like something had come to an end & she didn’t need to rely on that text message to make her feel that way anymore.
 
Personally I delete everything straight away in case someone happens to scroll through my phone. Many things in there I don’t wish certain people to read or have access to. I cannot risk my words being misconstrued, or my text partner for that matter. So, in the event that something is sent to you, that marks some sort of occasion or turning point – what is your protocol? When is the right time to delete something you have been hanging on to for years?
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Current mood: infuriated
Comments
Corsmor (aka Metatron)
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“I don’t deliberately keep messages, however, I do go through many, many, many phones. It’s nice to read through very old conversations, even the bad ones. There’s also the ‘you said’ factor that always comes in handy for those occasions when one is accused of saying something…. but in general I think messages should be deleted as soon as my memories full..”

9 Minutes

I am the last in the very long line of characters who populate my life. They are in my life, yet I am barely in theirs. Online of offline I am the last.
 
I am the person that people online ignore or the reason they logon invisible. People check around the corner to see if I’m there then walk the other way. They call me the day after the party & say “I thought …… would have told you”
 
No one is immune from these feelings. The idea that any one might morn or miss my existence is utterly ridiculous in my mind. There is, of course, the usual show of hands & tears by those who might be slightly worse off for not having me around to clean their house, pay their bills, do their work or generally kick around like a doormat, but they are few & spread margarine thin.
 
The interested few are creeps from the internet who first appear to hear me & in the end only want to fuck me or kill me or both. The man I love, himself emerged from the internet, is not mine at all. The man in my bed, a poor imitation of a man. If only I could accomplish the man in my bed, being the man I am in love with. To be loved by Meta in the way I want to be loved would heal me, could save me. Every inch of my skin aches at the thought of his touch.
 
I lie in this bed thinking about the imitation man. “He goes to work in 9 minutes & in 9 minutes it can be over, with him safely tucked up at work oblivious to my actions for the next 5 hours I could easily set up, organise & get right – the bath in blood, the car in the stobie pole, rope from the verandah? Or maybe the car over the cliff. The one overlooking the place where it all began? The same place my father went when he thought the same way.
 
In 9 minutes…
 
Instead, while I formulate these ideas I write them down & they ferment.
 
If I left all the doors & windows unlocked & left my address in the local psycho chat room could I maybe count on someone coming in through the window & strangling me in my sleep…? Is it even possible that I could on purpose find someone that mental when I have found far worse by accident in the past…
 
I am constantly tired. I close my eyes & I see no way out. Half an hour’s past, the second hand is going backwards & I am still contemplating those 9 minutes…

Dirty Creature

Split Enz concert tonight at the Entertainment Centre in Adelaide. Interesting evening.
 
I of course lost the tickets – why does that surprise me? But we made it in any way.

** Panic **

I was distracted by you all night, sitting so close. I loved the concert, the music, that distance closing between us. I have felt so far from you that I am sure my frustration showed.
 
We agreed that the average age there was almost certainly late 30’s – interesting as I knew Chesty was sitting with J way across the sea of people both of them way beyond my meagre 26.
 
They played “Dirty Creature” – I was looking forward to that though of course I’d not told you. Not sure you noticed me singing it… listening to it? There is so much I don’t tell you that I want to.

Dirty Creature come my way from the bottom of a big black lake
Shuffles up to my window making sure I’m awake
S’probably gonna pick my brain
Got me in a vice-like grip
He said one slip, your dead. Ha.
 
Dirty Creature of habit, little horror here to stay
Anyone in his right mind would tell it to go away
But the river of dread runs deep, full of unspeakable things
The creature don’t mess around
I don’t wanna mess with him
 
I don’t wanna sail, I don’t wanna sail
I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna sail tonight
Dirty Creature’s got me at a disadvantage from the inside.
 
Tentacles on the brain keep me from falling asleep
I’m rooted to the spot, the beast don’t know when to stop
Sneaking up from behind, Binds & gags my wits
Dirty Creature got my head exactly where he wants it
 
I don’t wanna sail, I don’t wanna sail,
I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna sail tonight,
Taniwha is waiting for me just below the surface so bright
Even as we speak the Dirty Creature springs a nasty surprise.
 
Dirty Creature knows my type found it in a magazine
He’s seen the look of fear before splattered all over the screen
The animal magnet thug draws me out of myself
I need a dragon-slayer who can save me from myself
 
I don’t wanna sail, I don’t wanna sail,
I don’t wanna set sail for the middle of nowhere tonight
Dirty Creature’s got me at a disadvantage from the inside
I don’t wanna sail upon the waters of invention tonight

You held my hand as we walked through the crowd, I was cold, but warm being so close to you. You ‘ran into’ a friend, her name escapes me. I do not know what, or who, overcame be but I wanted to run. I wanted to take you in my hands & run you through my fingers, far from there. Jealousy perhaps, she was of course, breathtaking. I have never clearly understood why you would be interested in me at all being 12 years my senior & not to mention surrounded by beautiful women? What can I say after all, we are apparently “just friends…” Women gather themselves around you – I am no different to them in this regard & cannot put my finger on it myself. You have this most stunning aura, & a laughter from deep within that seems so addictively honest & sincere. I have my moments still believing that you simply cannot be real.
 
The crowd went mad before the first encore – you included – seeing so many sides of you that I did not know where to look & yet could not take my eyes off of you. The spoon solo made you laugh & how I love to hear you laugh; that innocent Meta that I rarely see. Your shade of Jade so often is your front fence.
 
I did not want to leave you at all. You seemed to want to leave me though so I let it happen. I will never know why.

“And so, that’s how it goes. Never the first, always the last to know”
~~ Tim Finn

Split Enz Concert

Still

I sat on the balcony tonight cutting open the skin around my ankles. I rested them up on the balcony railing & laid back in my chair, letting the blood drip down to the ground below. Back into the earth where it belongs.
 
I have tried to take photos of the sparrows flitting through the air catching mosquitos. They know I am there even though I do not make a sound. I catch a thought of you, wondering what kind of sounds you’re making right now. Whether you’re alone, or with friends, with a lover? Maybe you’re breathlessly making love out in the open like I am imagining with you right now. Maybe you’re sleeping or working. I don’t know where you are.
 
Having not heard from you in a while I figure there must be a new woman on the scene. Yes, that is the first thing that comes to mind… You rarely talk about women. The occasional mention of someone from the past… Ringa… She seems to come up the most. Maybe I am like her? Maybe not.
 
I look down at the ankles that keep me walking further from you.
 
The blood drips still…

Sparrow Flower