Tag Archives: Metatron


Where have all the sadists gone

I sat down one day & I wrote down all the things I wanted in a man.
The pros & the cons. ‘Sadistic’ was right next to ‘Sarcastic’.
 & then there you were… & now here we are… I found you.

Crazy Week

Crazy week is only days away & I already feel the effects of it & I know it is irrational but I cannot stop it.
I found myself extremely angry this morning. It tarnished & enveloped the entire morning & every person I encountered. I could see my anger, my mood, wash over them like a tide & take them to feelings of frustration & impatience that spilled out onto other people. I could not stop it; did not really want to either. There is something bitter sweet about everyone dipping their toes in my emotional lard.
They are exhausting; these emotions. Not craziness, but not sanity either.
I am a passenger in my own body. I am talking to & directing the person driving but they cannot hear me. I am not sure where it is I would rather they took me but I know that I do not want to be where I am now.
So many people are ill in the office I work in. I avoid hem & the thought of becoming ill. Trying to chase the colds & flus away. I do not want to get sick, again. Partly because I am already so tired but mostly because whatever I catch goes to Meta too & I cannot bare to see him suffer.
I am not sure why I am feeling this uptight. There is usually something at the centre of it that I am vaguely aware of but this time it is not clear at all.

Real Love

All my little plans and schemes
Lost like some forgotten dream
Seems like all I really was doing
Was waiting for you
Just like little girls and boys
Playing with their little toys
Seems like all they really were doing
Was waiting for you
Don’t need to be alone
No need to be alone
It’s real love
Yes it’s real, yes it’s real love
It’s real, yes it’s real love…
From this moment on I know
Exactly where my life will go
Seems that all I really was doing
Was waiting for love
Don’t need to be afraid
No need to be afraid
It’s real love
Yes it’s real, yes it’s real love
It’s real, yes it’s real love…
Thought I’d been in love before,
But in my heart I wanted more
Seems like all I really was doing
Was waiting for you
Don’t need to be alone
No need to be alone
It’s real love
Yes it’s real, yes it’s real love
It’s real, yes it’s real love…


I would like to know exactly what I have done to Chesty to make her avoid me. When I invite her to lunch there is a new reason not to spend time with me & it feels like “” is constant.
I must stop trying, what is the point after all this rejection. She does not talk to me anymore – not even emails or text messages – time I took the hint!

Alone again…

My family eat up any friends I have. Like I am not good enough to stick to. Or worse my family decide those I choose are not good enough & poison the friendship until I give up & I am alone again.

Last night I was being told how much they love Meta & how well we are suited together. I could not help but think back to the times when they were telling me I should not be friends with him. After he did what..? Made an ill-timed joke at Xmas while all were drunk? Please, what a loose apology. Now I am supposed to be grateful that they all love him? Turns out my choice in friends/men is not so bad after all… Maybe I just worked out it does not matter what anyone else thinks?


Meta told me tonight that discussing The Barn hurts him. I do not want to hurt him but how do I not mention the issues? The constant speeding when it seems to affect everything we do. He cannot control himself & the blame seems squarely on me. The eyes of his friends & family squarely on me, all waiting for me to get him out of this mess – change him, bring him home. I do not have that kind of power over Meta, no one does. They should all know that by now.

Meta chooses his family – bloodlines have nothing to do with it. Those lucky enough to be chosen, never let go.

What he really feels is guilt because he The Barn situation fucked up his friendship with Cole & truth be told I think that is upsetting him more than anything. What I cannot work out is why I should care about this? After how poorly she treated me. I feel sorry that Meta is upset, but I do not feel sad that these ties are dying. If he really cared about them he would have done more to support them, you do not just abandon family. Especially those who you chose to call family.

I will need to keep an eye on this – for fear of becoming redundant too.


I Am Free
Some new experiments & surprises lately; eye bolts in the walls I did not know about, an outdoor adventure – things are never dull around here. I have been ill for a few days & Meta & I have been unable to make love but that has not made this relationship less visible nor less important. We have so many ways to connect – his eyes catch mine & I hear him in my mind.
He takes very good care of me & I am thankful to have such a strong yet sensitive partner. His soft touch impresses me but what surprises me as how swiftly & seamlessly he is able to dominate me by the same hand.


Metatron has spent the last week in a self-imposed withdrawal where I am not welcome. There is no room for anything except sleep & the occasional sarcastic quip. Moments of lucidity bring profuse apologies but he keeps me at a distance. My reply is the eternally dull ‘’Okay’’ but it does not feel okay. It is a lie.

He is currently faking sleep on the couch half listening to Bathurst, half listening to me. Not really where he appears to be. Wondering what all my tapping is about, wondering why I am ignoring him. Now he will go back to bed & I will not see him for the rest of the day.

He keeps secrets; so much of his past – a mystery. Information must be drawn out like a long hot bath until I am covered in so much contradiction I am drowning & lost under the surface desperately needing to come up for air. Secrets breed suspicion – he does not understand this is something I need to avoid. Having a wild imagination is not a virtue.

For the most part Meta is the most wonderful & challenging man I have ever met; the fact that those two aspects do not occur in equal parts is probably what keeps me here.

During a lucid phase today we talked a lot about Lacomus. Meta mentioned he feels Lacomus is stalking him because [quote] “if he’s drug fucked that’s something he would do.” I tried to delve deeper into what this might mean but he did not elaborate stating “I do not want to fill your head with hearsay”. Well, hearsay, my ass. Would it not be better for me to know these things so that I may be aware? Keeping me in the dark does not keep me safe.

I get glimpses of a hidden & vicious side to Meta which is present or in his past. I do not know how much this is feigned or if it is intentional. Under the right circumstances sex & violence are sexy – truth be told I continue to hope I have met my match. That overwhelming urge to run sometimes makes the thrill even stronger. His constant personality shifts seem like they are intended as a distraction, but from what?

He has an uncanny ability to get under (or over my walls) in a very subtle way. This differs so much from my techniques – I smash through walls, not usually concerned with the outcome or the damage. I can only suppose that is why so many of my relationships & friendships end up as unrecognisable piles of rubble with me standing victorious on top. Victorious, but alone.

I do not want that to happen here. I do not want to be left with a pile of rubble, I want to build something. I have never felt this way & it is disconcerting & at times overwhelming.

I am tired of being alone.

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