Tag Archives: photos

The Unnamed Feeling

I have been busy scanning Corsmor’s photos from his albums this week – going back through his whole life. Very few of them are marked with dates so I am relying on his memory, which is excellent, his recall is uncanny.

It has been unnerving staring at pictures of past loves & friends – some of them are not even alive anymore. It does not feel like jealousy, but an emotion a lot like it which at the moment I find to be nameless. He has lived so many lives. Here, with me, he seems to have settled & he is happy – but I look at those photos & wish I knew all the stories, all the moments that he thinks of when he looks at them.

I am not enjoying the process at all – I thought that I would, but I am finding it more & more difficult. I have never been jealous of other women – certainly not his ex-lovers but looking at photos from their lives together, some that span half a decade or more is proving to be quite difficult for me. My stomach is upside down & today I have taken a break. Even after hours away the images are burned into my brain & I cannot shake this unnamed feeling.
I know what Corsmor would say if I told him this is how I felt & he would be right. He would say it is his past. That they are stories that make up who he is & I love who he is. He would say that he married ME & not them. That I am the one. That others were loved but that they did not last.
All that is logical & I understand that. Unfortunately, it does not make this unnamed feeling go away.
…Your love is like a studded leather headlock
Your kiss it could put creases in the rain
You’re rarer than a can of dandelion & burdock
And those other girls are just post-mix lemonade…

011011 Our Wedding Day

There are so few words to describe the feeling of joining your favourite person in front of all of your other favourite people, holding his hands, looking him in the eye & promising to love, honour & obey him for the rest of your life.
Never, in all my life, have I felt so overwhelmed with emotion & love; so silenced in awe of it all.
Promises. Love. Roses. Velvet. Teapots. Beauty. Tears. Joy. Nerves. Relief. Champagne. Diamonds. Blue eyes. Soft lips. Wanton. Breathless.

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