Online today I was doing some pregnancy & conception research. I went with the specific questions about ovulation & to check the app I had been using on my phone was calculating it correctly.
After watching some videos & reading the stories of women that conceived in various ways & timelines I moved my attention to searching for ‘conception after miscarriage’. I read a couple of articles but after 10 minutes I started to feel sad & uncomfortable. Anxiety took over my body & I had to close the sites down. I sat in my office for a few minutes staring at my wedding ring. Feeling the tightness in my chest & the spinning in my head begin to subside. I breathed slowly & evenly. It passed. Today marks 6 months since we lost our baby at 8 weeks & still I feel anxious at the thought of conceiving again.
Today our baby would be 1 month from being born & due on our wedding anniversary. For the last few weeks I have felt okay about this, positive that we would conceive again. Today, however, all I feel is sadness. I am trying to pick myself up with some positive music & to put it, somewhat, out of my mind. Distractions do not really work. I have to accept this because I have no choice, it happened to me, to us. It is just that some days I struggle desperately to let it go. To feel moved on. Like there is something holding me back. Memories…
I read back in this blog to earlier this year. The monumentally long blog about the day we lost the baby stings in my eyes as I read it. I have to stop. (Go HERE if you’d like to read it) There are no platitudes here that make this better. No clichés. No quotes… And I am alone. Well, & truly, alone.
And I’m not gonna live my life on one side of an ampersand And even if I went with you I’m not the girl you think I am And I’m not gonna match you Cause I’ll lose my voice completely yeah I’m just gonna watch you Cause I’m not the one that’s crazy Yeah… I have wasted years of my life Agonizing about the fires I started when I thought that to be strong, you must be flame retardant And now to dress the wounds goes into question How authentic they are There is always someone criticizing me She just likes playing hospital Lying in my bed I remember what you said There’s no such thing as accidents But you’ve got the headstone all ready All carved up and pretty Your sick satisfaction Those his and hers matching The daisies all push up’n Pairs to the horizons Your eyes full of ketchup It’s nice that you’re trying The headstone’s all ready All carved up and pretty Your sick satisfaction Those his and hers matching The daises all push up’n Pairs to the horizons Your eyes full of ketchup It’s nice that you’re trying And I’m not gonna live my life on one side of an ampersand And even if I went with you, I’m not the girl you think I am
Amanda Palmer. “Ampersand.” Who Killed Amanda Palmer. Roadrunner Records, 2008
Light many lamps & gather round his bed. Lend him your eyes, warm blood, & will to live. Speak to him; rouse him; you may save him yet. He’s young; he hated war; how should he die When cruel old campaigners win safe through? But Death replied: ‘I choose him.’ So he went, & there was silence in the summer night; Silence & safety; & the veils of sleep. Then, far away, the thunder of the guns. — Siegfried Sassoon: The Death-Bed
The desperation that filled me a month ago is easing slowly every day. I am distracted by the fact that in a month I will leave the job I have been doing for 10 years & training my replacement. A decision Corsmor & I made when we found out about Pip & now I have to accept & live with it despite the fact things have changed. They are moving my job to Sydney & we decided not to go – I try every day not to think about the ‘what-if’s’ & just hope that somehow this will turn out right. I remind myself that I am not alone. That many women & men have gone through this & so much worse before. I do get comfort from knowing that time may mend this & must be patient. It is an exercise in tolerance & fear all at once.
I have not stopped bleeding since we got back from holiday but today we had an ultrasound & saw Pip for the first time. Floating there, 4mm long, approximately 6 weeks old. We held our breath & there, in the middle of the picture as we watched – it moved. A heartbeat. There are no words to describe this moment. Especially since I had been so positive that the technician would find nothing at all, that my fears were real & I was losing our baby. But there it was, plain to see, a tiny little beat – new & slow, but there nonetheless. The technician said she thought that it may have even just started. Corsmor, holding my hand, could not take his eyes off the screen, & then that shine in his eyes – the relief. I will see those eyes every night when I go to sleep for a long time. Although this is a relief – I am aware that this does not necessarily indicate all is well. But today, it is enough to stand in the middle of our kitchen, hold each other & look at our photo of Pip on the fridge & hope that pretty soon, the door of the fridge will be filled with pictures of love that has its own beat.
We spent the long weekend for Australia day camping in Victoria. We decided that since we had just had a positive pregnancy test it would be good to get away, just the three of us, & relax. I felt fine. Healthy, full of energy. I am certain I cannot be more than 6 weeks pregnant but the started bleeding started the minute we got home from our weekend away. I am terrified. I have read so many websites & books that all say bleeding may be normal this early but many that say it is not okay. I have taken another test, it indicates still pregnant. I do not know what to do & I am not sure there is anything I can do. My immediate reaction seems to be sit here & stress. I cannot get my mind off the possibility that maybe I have done something wrong, that I should not have told Corsmor & I should have just left it alone – waited a little longer. Maybe we should have not gone away? Stayed home? Maybe I pushed myself too hard? Perhaps this is just a warning & tomorrow all will be forgiven. On our trip away ‘Pip’ was been mentioned so many times & become part of our lives. Preparations already being made in our minds. I do not know what to do. I am fearful it is all too late.
Us on holiday – our favourite beach – Bells Beach, Victoria.
I walked out into the kitchen & told Corsmor we are pregnant this morning. It is very, very early but it was a certain positive. He held me tight & his happiness filled me with hope.
We took a short walk in the forest & went blackberry picking. As Corsmor ate handfuls of berries, his hands stained burgundy, he nicknamed our baby ‘Pip’.
This news we have waited for does not feel real – but I am filled with joy & it does not leave my mind for a minute.
I am tired & calm & it is the end of a very surreal day.
I feel as if we are beginning something. Something that is truly ours is happening. It is life.
So close no matter how far Couldn’t be much more from the heart Forever trusting who we are And nothing else matters Never opened myself this way Life is ours, we live it our way All these words I don’t just say And nothing else matters Trust I seek and I find in you Every day for us something new Open mind for a different view And nothing else matters Never cared for what they do Never cared for what they know But I know