I would like to know exactly what I have done to Chesty to make her avoid me. When I invite her to lunch there is a new reason not to spend time with me & it feels like “” is constant.
I must stop trying, what is the point after all this rejection. She does not talk to me anymore – not even emails or text messages – time I took the hint!
My family eat up any friends I have. Like I am not good enough to stick to. Or worse my family decide those I choose are not good enough & poison the friendship until I give up & I am alone again.
Last night I was being told how much they love Meta & how well we are suited together. I could not help but think back to the times when they were telling me I should not be friends with him. After he did what..? Made an ill-timed joke at Xmas while all were drunk? Please, what a loose apology. Now I am supposed to be grateful that they all love him? Turns out my choice in friends/men is not so bad after all… Maybe I just worked out it does not matter what anyone else thinks?
I have decided I will start taking my meds again tomorrow. It has been 2 weeks, 2 weeks of freedom. Meta calls it a rollercoaster but noted he had not read the word ‘numb’ in a while. That is because I have not been numb this whole time – freedom fortnight – but the anger is creeping in again & I cannot afford to lose what I have gained.
There is one thing that remains constant whether I am on or off the meds; the fact that I want to die. I just have more fun trying to get it done while I am off them. Which is not to say it is a game, it is not. It would be a pretty silly game if it were. I keep thinking about Sunday. I wish Meta had pressed his hands a little harder on me when we were in the car – the struggle between two personalities. The Ashes on the inside & the Nectar on the outside. I could have died in that moment. I was so ready for it. All parts of me were ready for me to come out.
I remember the version of me the day I first met Meta in the city. When I walked up to him & we walked down O’Connell Street together, bumping shoulders. There was something about him I had never felt before. Something unique & sticky that made me drawn to his insides. It made me want to devour him with each accidental touch. All day that feeling nagged at me. It will never make sense to me why two people who had met in the written word world had chosen the silence of a cinema to meet. Where no words could be exchanged. When we sat there our hands brushed against each other so many times. I knew in his eyes who he was & he knew in mine. In the final moments he kissed me unexpectedly & passionately & I asked him,
“I just wanted to know if it was real.” & it was. It still is.
Between then & now there have been so many unspoken conversations. So many deleted lines. So many things I wish I had not said to him. So much hurt & so much pain. A trip to Mars & a trip to the crazy house. More trips to hospitals & cuts than I can name & still we manage to find each other at the end of the day in the silence of our loveless homes.
Today Chesty said to me
“You & Meta get along so well, you really are amused by the things he says & he really makes you laugh. It is rare to have a male friend that makes you feel so comfortable & so happy. Clearly you love each other very much”.
She is right. I could not have said it better myself
Tuesday afternoon; the vertigo. Like sisters comes rushing.
Cotton ball ears, merry-go-round mind, clammy skin, bubbling stomach;
A thirst so great rushes inside like ocean; salty dripping between lips.
Clutching grains of wood: a chair – a saviour, eyes closed through fear & embarrassment.
Tick, tick minute passes.
Blood thickens. Erect on unsteady knees, pink flushed cherub cheeks.
Shrug off the stares of others round you.
The vertigo – Tuesday afternoon.
This met me this afternoon as I walked out the door to find my own pot of gold…
I mentioned to Chesty, “I would settle for a good looking leprechaun” to which she replied
“I could screw an ugly one at this point”
Out shopping I received a text to meet up with Digger at the Albert for St Pat’s day drinks. He’d had his head shaven the day before for a Leukemia fundraiser and I hadn’t seen him yet. Having known him for the past 15 years I never would have imagined him with no hair…!
Chesty and I made our way back from emptying our bank accounts at the shops to the pub where we met up with Digger and his brother. Digger leaned forward so I could rub his shaven head! How bizarre a feeling.
The night moved on… Green Kilkenny and Guiness all round – EW!!!!
I had a call from Chesty tonight after we met at Nova. So much is going on at work, I am not sure where to ever start or even if I should.
I wrote to PJ today to talk about I feel about her recent behaviour. I received no reply – I did not really expect to. No-one wants to hear negative things about themselves. I believe I am correct in my assessment of her but I would be open to an explanation from her. My gut tells me it is the end of our friendship & although I am sorry for that, I think I tried my best under the circumstances.
Although I did not intend to have exposed my family to someone who could be this hurtful I managed to misjudge PJ badly which concerns me.
I am watching Survivor as I write. There are similarities with work 🙂 Only we never get to vote anyone off the island. I hate that I keep getting myself involved in all this crap at work. I would like to be able to step back, put my hands up & say “not interested” but I don’t know how to. I cannot in good conscience let all this keep happening & not at least say something.
“I know you are passionate but you need to be quiet for now & let them lose”. It is hard.
I was making soup in the kitchen tonight & behind me I heard
“shhh, be quiet”. I know who it was. I looked in the window & his reflection was there.
“Shhh” he said.
“Be quiet”. He was insistent. I turned around & he was gone.
Now I am feeling a little odd.
I have the 14th off work for Chewy’s hearing. I am a little nervous because I know how confused he can get. I have to think positive that it will be okay. The fact I have not shared any of this with my family or friends makes it difficult to deal with but I do not want to burden them with this. I also find that the more people know about what is going on in my life the more confused I get because they all have their own opinions on what I should do.