Those moments/days when a memory comes to mind & you know if you let it free you will weep & then your eyes will swell & your head will hurt & the day will be stained & ruined by the footsteps taken back in time. Thatβs today.
You know that you have too much to do to let that happen. So you force it away. You push through your pain; put it back on the shelf for another day. That black jar that lets in no light, dusty, scratched & beaten up. It sits up there on that shelf; you will get to it one day. Youβll let yourself have the headache. But not today.
Today I am going to play with my dear Daughter. I am going to dance, talk, laugh & be silly with her. Every minute I am with her I am going to let myself be filled by her youth & her beauty; her learning & her ideas because our sons & daughters donβt all make it & I want to breathe In every moment of her while I am able.
I was born on Good Friday. So I kind of consider today my lunar birthday. My planet, Mars, is high in the sky near the moon which is full & bright, much like life should be. We had a Blood Moon Eclipse on Wednesday. I should have seen the warning.
A phone call in the early hours of this morning has left me in mourning & it has poured with rain ever since.
I have thought a lot of my uncle who died last night. He was quite young & though not always healthy this was unexpected. My father, near inconsolable, told me through tears & husky throated words. Slipping between shock & understanding as I lamented the loss & offered support. I moved swiftly into protective mode as I always do when either of my parents are upset.
There is nothing I can do. I cannot fight death & tell him to stay away. I cannot promise things will be alright. Of course they will be alright but where Geoffrey should be there will always be a blank space. He is the first of a family of 5 brothers & sisters to die, & suddenly, it is a shock to us all.
I remember Geoffrey most in his early twenties. Sitting me down as a little girl, pointing to himself in his High School pictures & saying;
“This is me, this is when I got sick”Β & me asking in my 8-year-old way “what kind of sick? What happened?” He replied;Β “I took things & my head got sick” “Oh,” I said, in almost a whisper “But I’m okay, I’m happy” he said.
Geoffrey developed early onset, severe & chronic Schizophrenia. There were a lot of tough times after that conversation. Geoffrey lived with us for quite a while; my parents took care of him until his illness became unmanageable. I remember him being there & the care they showed him even when things were tough. I do not remember the stress my parents must have been under with 2 young children of their own & a sick (yet medicated) young adult all living together in a small cottage. I only remember the impression that family takes care of each other & love is important, it makes people happy even when things seem bad. It makes life bearable.
In the decades that followed, medication for Schizophrenia improved. At times Geoffrey made more sense in conversation than the rest of my ‘sane’ family put together. He certainly made more noise. I always knew when he was visiting my other uncle because they lived one street over from us & the noise from his drum-kit would fill the street. That used to make me laugh. Now the thought that I won’t hear it makes me melancholy.
So we are one less but I did learn something. The love of family that takes care of you when you need it most; the ones that feel it when you’re gone, are the ones to keep the closest, if only in your heart.
Things have been hectic for the last few weeks & weeks are turning into months since we lost our second baby. Corsmor & I have tried many times to sit down & talk, to discuss the future, but every time we do life interrupts us with phones, doorbells & distraction.
My writing is on hold again with so many other obligations, I worry every day that I may lose my ideas or that my characters will run back to their forests. Gone forever. In my mind they have lives I struggle to ignore. I keep thinking about all those movies where life is perfect. Movies with whole neighbourhoods of families that support each other – the evil always coming from the outside in, not the other way around.
In the movies people go off the grid all the time. They say “no” without consequence. In the movies family & friends are sensitive to your feelings & understand when you need them to leave you alone. In the movies, people support you when you need them & they don’t try to push you to be something you’re not. In the movies family & friendship are not a one way street. In the movies miscarriage trumps someone elseβs dentist appointment, writers are heroes & everyone can have babies.
In the movies.
In real life there is no such fairy tale. The real world crashes in on your every private moment. The hours between dusk & dawn are no longer sacred. Those minutes in bed between the kisses good night & the kisses good morning are under threat of interruption.
Since these last few hectic weeks have ‘tornadoed’ through our home I have found myself growing angry & restless. I am fed up with the world outside. I want some time, time in the dark. Radio silence.
Music is one thing I use to disappear out of real life. I have found myself with a whole new playlist on my hands this year. Expressing so many different emotions.
This song by Bob Dylan is, at the moment, at the top of the list; because after the last few hectic weeks having to bury so much inside I feel different. My perspective on what is important to me has shifted. What I need to focus on is me & my writing. If there is to be a baby or a writing career then the focus needs to come higher on the priority list & that may mean some relationships have to suffer, well then so be it “I used to care, but things have changed.”
Things Have Changed – Bob Dylan A worried man with a worried mind No one in front of me & nothing behind There’s a woman on my lap & she’s drinking champagne Got white skin, got assassin’s eyes I’m looking up into the sapphire tinted skies I’m well dressed, waiting on the last train Standing on the gallows with my head in a noose Any minute now I’m expecting all hell to break loose People are crazy & times are strange I’m locked in tight, I’m out of range I USED TO CARE BUT THINGS HAVE CHANGED This place ain’t doing me any good I’m in the wrong town, I should be in Hollywood Just for a second there I thought I saw something move Gonna take dancing lessons do the jitterbug rag Ain’t no shot cuffs, gonna dress in drag Only a fool in here would think he’s got anything to prove Lot of water under the bridge, Lot of other stuff too Don’t get up gentlemen, I’m only passing through People are crazy & times are strange I’m locked in tight, I’m out of range I USED TO CARE BUT THINGS HAVE CHANGED I’ve been walking forty miles of bad road If the bible is right, the world will explode I’ve been trying to get as far away from myself as I can Some things are too hot to touch The human mind can only stand so much You can’t win with a losing hand Feel like falling in love with the first woman I meet Putting her in a wheel barrow & wheeling her down the street People are crazy & times are strange I’m locked in tight, I’m out of range I USED TO CARE BUT THINGS HAVE CHANGED I hurt easy, I just don’t show it You can hurt someone & not even know it The next sixty seconds could be like an eternity Gonna get low down, gonna fly high All the truth in the world adds up to one big lie I’m in love with a woman who don’t even appeal to me Mr. Jinx & Miss Lucy, they jumped in the lake I’m not that eager to make a mistake People are crazy & times are strange I’m locked in tight, I’m out of range I USED TO CARE BUT THINGS HAVE CHANGED
A prenatal scan at 6 weeks revealed we had lost our second baby. After a week of bleeding & bed-rest this was not a surprise but, again, we had hoped that all would be well. Again, I feel like I am in pieces strewn all over the ground – like there is a chalk outline following me every where I go.
We had to wait another week for a second scan which thankfully revealed I did not need a Dilation & Curette to remove the baby as I did last time. I say βthankfullyβ because it was so traumatic last time β for both of us. The physical pain, though, was more severe this time. I was not ready for it.
The hardest thing, I think, is the waiting. Pregnancy is nothing but waiting. It is a total lack of control. This time I really had felt quite well, I felt positive & excited. Corsmor was certainly more cautious than I. His caution weighs on me, a blanket of guilt.
There is a lot going on around us at the moment & I feel eyes on us. I feel them expecting us to move on from this much faster than we did last time. The surprising thing is that it does get easier. Which in itself fills me with guilt. What I really fear is that we wonβt get time to process it together. To plan our next move; forward motion, onward. These losses are the things that tear couples apart. I have seen it.
Corsmor & I are told we should not make having a baby our priority or our goal. That we need to devote time to careers, real estate, travel & time together. However, having a baby means the world to us, it seems impossible not to make it our goal. It is one of the reasons we married β to start a family. We never imagined it would be difficult. I left my job knowing we would start a family & I would have all of me to devote without the stress of my job which had been highly stressful & all-consumingβ¦
A year & 2 miscarriages later we are still without a family or any promise of one. It feels so far away. Sometimes I feel like a character in my own book. Everyone around me playing their parts. If only I could see the ending β if only I could skip to the last page & know it all turns out okay, how much easier all this might be.
It is the days between Xmas & New Year’s Day where I like to take stock & think about the inventory in my life as the year draws to a close. This cocktail that is my life has shaken & stirred me into something unrecognizable from who I was when I was born. It is sweet & it is sour; I have swallowed a lot of stuff I really wanted to spit out but I think I have moulded it into something that tastes divine. I have been really lucky to find people who like the same variety of life that I like & it makes all those terrifying burning moments more bearable. Sometimes it is just one person I need, sometimes it is a whole bunch & occasionally none of them are my cup of tea, but I know that when life becomes a trifle troubling they will be there for me as I will be for them. So as I head into 2013 I know that as I negotiate the days I carry with me a little collection of spirits that I enjoy β sweet or sour, they are all welcome in my life & I am happy to share all the days ahead with them.
Family are the people who you choose to be around when there is no one else you’d rather talk to. They’re your Husband, your dog, your cat, the friend you made by happy circumstance & kept in touch with for years. They are the people you can rely on. The people you can go to when the most strife strikes. Family are those that are there to bail you out of lock up, to hand you water when you’re drunk or hung over, the people who cling to you at the worst moments and at the best. Β I don’t have to ask myself who my family are. They are everything to me and even if I don’t see them for extended periods of time because we all lead busy lives I know that they will be there when I need them and vice versa no matter what. We can pick up where we left off and that’s that. They bring smiles to my face like no one else can. Β I am not referring to that ‘family’ that you only see at weddings, funerals and Xmas. They are, of course, important in your life. They are essential to you and your humanity. ‘Family’ should not be a term only applied to those linked to you by blood. It should be a term linked with love. Linked with blood, sweat, tears, laughter. There are so many parts and petals that make up my families and I am pleased to know every one of them; from the seeds to the flowers.Β None of us can do this alone, none of us.
Meta told me tonight that discussing The Barn hurts him. I do not want to hurt him but how do I not mention the issues? The constant speeding when it seems to affect everything we do. He cannot control himself & the blame seems squarely on me. The eyes of his friends & family squarely on me, all waiting for me to get him out of this mess β change him, bring him home. I do not have that kind of power over Meta, no one does. They should all know that by now. Meta chooses his family β bloodlines have nothing to do with it. Those lucky enough to be chosen, never let go. What he really feels is guilt because he The Barn situation fucked up his friendship with Cole & truth be told I think that is upsetting him more than anything. What I cannot work out is why I should care about this? After how poorly she treated me. I feel sorry that Meta is upset, but I do not feel sad that these ties are dying. If he really cared about them he would have done more to support them, you do not just abandon family. Especially those who you chose to call family. I will need to keep an eye on this β for fear of becoming redundant too.
Violet Ashes 