Tag Archives: Amanda Palmer

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Velveteen Inspiration

A little while ago I became a Patron of one of my heroes, Amanda Palmer. Being a Patron means I help to pay for her art. It means she can make the art & music she likes without needing a record company. Right now, she is 8 months pregnant & yesterday she stood naked in full body paint in front of the New York Public Library to raise awareness for literacy & gather books from supporters for needy children. She stood as a living replica of the Verity statue by Damien Hirst & as people dropped off books she moved to a new position. Anyone who has been 8 months pregnant will know standing still for any amount of time is difficult & painful so I was in awe of her efforts. Literacy is something Amanda obviously feels passionate about, as I do, so when she stated in a recent interview that her favourite children’s book is ‘The Velveteen Rabbit‘ I could not ignore what is for me, a meaningful coincidence. Continue reading

1 Month

Online today I was doing some pregnancy & conception research. I went with the specific questions about ovulation & to check the app I had been using on my phone was calculating it correctly.

After watching some videos & reading the stories of women that conceived in various ways & timelines I moved my attention to searching for ‘conception after miscarriage’. I read a couple of articles but after 10 minutes I started to feel sad & uncomfortable. Anxiety took over my body & I had to close the sites down. I sat in my office for a few minutes staring at my wedding ring. Feeling the tightness in my chest & the spinning in my head begin to subside. I breathed slowly & evenly. It passed. Today marks 6 months since we lost our baby at 8 weeks & still I feel anxious at the thought of conceiving again.

Today our baby would be 1 month from being born & due on our wedding anniversary. For the last few weeks I have felt okay about this, positive that we would conceive again. Today, however, all I feel is sadness. I am trying to pick myself up with some positive music & to put it, somewhat, out of my mind. Distractions do not really work. I have to accept this because I have no choice, it happened to me, to us. It is just that some days I struggle desperately to let it go. To feel moved on. Like there is something holding me back. Memories…

I read back in this blog to earlier this year. The monumentally long blog about the day we lost the baby stings in my eyes as I read it. I have to stop. 
(Go HERE if you’d like to read it)
There are no platitudes here that make this better. No clichés. No quotes… And I am alone. Well, & truly, alone.

And I’m not gonna live my life on one side of an ampersand
And even if I went with you I’m not the girl you think I am
And I’m not gonna match you
Cause I’ll lose my voice completely yeah
I’m just gonna watch you
Cause I’m not the one that’s crazy
Yeah…

I have wasted years of my life
Agonizing about the fires
I started when I thought that to be strong, you must be flame retardant
And now to dress the wounds goes into question
How authentic they are
There is always someone criticizing me
She just likes playing hospital

Lying in my bed
I remember what you said
There’s no such thing as accidents

But you’ve got the headstone all ready
All carved up and pretty
Your sick satisfaction
Those his and hers matching
The daisies all push up’n
Pairs to the horizons
Your eyes full of ketchup
It’s nice that you’re trying
The headstone’s all ready
All carved up and pretty
Your sick satisfaction
Those his and hers matching
The daises all push up’n
Pairs to the horizons
Your eyes full of ketchup
It’s nice that you’re trying

And I’m not gonna live my life on one side of an ampersand
And even if I went with you, I’m not the girl you think I am

Amanda Palmer.  “Ampersand.” Who Killed Amanda Palmer. Roadrunner Records, 2008

She Drove

Here is the morning after & my head is pounding. Bleary eyed & my stomach in a perfect storm. The physical suffering is not what bothers me the most it is the judge & jury in my mind on an endless questioning haze watching hours of reels of my actions & my words. Lying here I am certain I will die.

There is no going back. Now I am changed forever. These things have to be written into the story of me whether I like it or not. Whether I remember them or not.

As the day goes on I remember more & more of what I do not want to remember. The hatred in me grows ever more & by the time night comes around again, I have still not left the bed in which this happened. The saying “you made your bed” rings solidly in my ears.

At 4am I get up, my naked feet land on the cold wooden floor & they creak on the way to the bathroom. I force my eyes to look in the mirror as I force my knotted hair behind my ears. I am not sure who is looking back at me. Natural looking beauty worn down by the last 24 hours, there is another person smirking back at my tear-filled eyes. & I remember her name; Nectar.

She emerges from the bathroom – moving swiftly & I am left behind. She grabs the keys to my car. She leaves the house & she unlocks the car. Behind the wheel she rests her head on the headrest & breathes out as she turns the keys. The ignition turns & the car comes to life. Amanda Palmer starts to blare & sings “we suffer morning’s most of all”. She is not wrong. I reappear in the rear-view mirror but it is not me that pulls out the driveway.

If I had a memory I would detail her movements & what happened next. All I know is that Nectar drove a long way away having done the damage & I went back to bed.

I have to drive
I have my reasons, dear
It’s cold outside
I hate the seasons here

I suffer mornings most of all
I feel so powerless & small
By ten o’clock I’m back in bed
Fighting the jury in my head

You learn to drive
It’s only natural, dear
You drive all night
We haven’t slept in years

We suffer mornings most of all
We saw you lying in the road
We tried to dig a decent grave
But it’s still no way to behave

It is a delicate position
Spin the bottle
Pick the victim
Catch a tiger
Switch directions
If he hollers
Break his ankles
To protect him

We’ll have to drive
They’re getting closer
Just get inside
It’s almost over

We will save your brothers
We will save your cousins
We will drive them far away
From streets & lights
From all signs of bad mankind

We suffer mornings most of all
Wake up all bleary eyed & sore
Forgetting everything we saw
(I’ll meet you in an hour
at the car)

-Amanda Palmer “I Have To Drive”
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