1 Month

Online today I was doing some pregnancy & conception research. I went with the specific questions about ovulation & to check the app I had been using on my phone was calculating it correctly.

After watching some videos & reading the stories of women that conceived in various ways & timelines I moved my attention to searching for ‘conception after miscarriage’. I read a couple of articles but after 10 minutes I started to feel sad & uncomfortable. Anxiety took over my body & I had to close the sites down. I sat in my office for a few minutes staring at my wedding ring. Feeling the tightness in my chest & the spinning in my head begin to subside. I breathed slowly & evenly. It passed. Today marks 6 months since we lost our baby at 8 weeks & still I feel anxious at the thought of conceiving again.

Today our baby would be 1 month from being born & due on our wedding anniversary. For the last few weeks I have felt okay about this, positive that we would conceive again. Today, however, all I feel is sadness. I am trying to pick myself up with some positive music & to put it, somewhat, out of my mind. Distractions do not really work. I have to accept this because I have no choice, it happened to me, to us. It is just that some days I struggle desperately to let it go. To feel moved on. Like there is something holding me back. Memories…

I read back in this blog to earlier this year. The monumentally long blog about the day we lost the baby stings in my eyes as I read it. I have to stop. 
(Go HERE if you’d like to read it)
There are no platitudes here that make this better. No clichés. No quotes… And I am alone. Well, & truly, alone.

And I’m not gonna live my life on one side of an ampersand
And even if I went with you I’m not the girl you think I am
And I’m not gonna match you
Cause I’ll lose my voice completely yeah
I’m just gonna watch you
Cause I’m not the one that’s crazy
Yeah…

I have wasted years of my life
Agonizing about the fires
I started when I thought that to be strong, you must be flame retardant
And now to dress the wounds goes into question
How authentic they are
There is always someone criticizing me
She just likes playing hospital

Lying in my bed
I remember what you said
There’s no such thing as accidents

But you’ve got the headstone all ready
All carved up and pretty
Your sick satisfaction
Those his and hers matching
The daisies all push up’n
Pairs to the horizons
Your eyes full of ketchup
It’s nice that you’re trying
The headstone’s all ready
All carved up and pretty
Your sick satisfaction
Those his and hers matching
The daises all push up’n
Pairs to the horizons
Your eyes full of ketchup
It’s nice that you’re trying

And I’m not gonna live my life on one side of an ampersand
And even if I went with you, I’m not the girl you think I am

Amanda Palmer.  “Ampersand.” Who Killed Amanda Palmer. Roadrunner Records, 2008

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