Riot Grrrl sent me this pin today & instantly my mind flew back to my childhood. Of many hours spent in my Grandma’s garden chasing faeries. Rioty, of course, knows this as we have spent time chasing faeries together – you know a girl will be a friend forever if she will chase faeries with you. It makes perfect sense to me even as an adult. The photo was taken in a garden on Woodside road in a town called Chester in the UK. Upon reading this I knew the photo was special, for reasons of my own.Coincidences are everywhere at the moment.
It is a beautiful sunny day today & the air is just moving enough to knock the white & pink petals from the almond trees onto the ground. It looks like a blanket of snow – but the warmth that makes my skin tingle tells me it is not winter. As I spent time cutting back the nearly flowering Jasmine on our front hedge I remembered all the gardens I have spent time in, first as a child & as an adult. I have never been far away from one & they are still my favourite places. I found this photo of me as a kid in our garden; the sun on my hair is just like today & my smile has not changed. It was taken by my Aunty JB & it looks like I was looking to host a very big tea party – I remember that tea kettle – it spent many years on my arm while I chased faeries & drank tea with Grandma.
Two of my most favourite ladies, Riot Grrrl & Miss M, gave birth to gorgeous healthy babies this week. I am so happy these two new souls & their Mum’s are healthy & happy (& no doubt quite tired!). They will make wonderful Mum’s & I am so proud of both of them. Welcome to the world Thomas Domenico & Macie Ellen; you are both loved immensely.
This sounds like my upright piano – beauty. I have thought a lot about you lately. About how we used to talk & talk, all the conversations I cannot recall. I just want to look in your eyes again while you smoke a joint & look so natural in that beauty you carry so well. Lying there in yellow, such solid beauty that I would have done anything you asked me to, gone anywhere you wanted to, followed you everywhere. I never did know how to tell you that – how the mornings were easy because you were there & the midnights seemed to last an eternity if I was next to you. You could call me now & I would drop everything. That girl in the sundress in my mind. In the yellow. Over there. With the hair & the smile. With the joint & the books full of letters just for me. That girl. Over there. Just out of reach. In the yellow.
Sundress – Ben Kweller Everybody’s trying to be the best What about the girl with loneliness? I like your sundress I like your sundress What about the girl with loneliness? From the inside out You’re so beautiful I want to hold you in my hand. I do everything you want me to I do everything you want me to do I want to start going on a morning walk. What about the days when we used to talk? I don’t need a smile from a mannequin, I just want to hold you in my hands. I do everything you want me to, I do everything you want me to, I do everything you want me to do. From the inside out you’ve changed, Girl you know you have don’t make a good thing bad, Just let me hold you in my hands. I do everything you want me to I do everything you want me to do I do everything everything, Everything I do everything you want me to I do everything you want me to do do do for you
Then there she was Like double cherry pie There she was Like disco superfly I smell Sex and Candy Hangin’ ’round downtown by myself I had too much caffeine I was thinkin’ ’bout myself & then there she was In platform double suede Yeah there she was Like disco lemonade I smell Sex and Candy Who’s that casting Devious stares In my direction Mama this surely Is a dream
I had dinner with Riot Grrrl tonight, my overdue birthday dinner. She gave me this card – I think it is full of sugar & I love the way she picks things that have special meaning. I have missed her. Things have changed so much. We used to stay up past dawn talking & get so drunk or stoned we could not see & fall asleep laughing. Every time I see her, I realise how much I miss that & that version of me. Sometimes I am not sure if it is so good to see her but if I don’t I feel like a part of me is missing that needs to be nourished in only the way Riot Grrrl knows how. There are parts of me that no one can touch as she does, things she knows & places in me she’s been.
I ‘re-found’ a song today which fits perfectly in with how I am feeling. I am not sure how I ever lost this song. It is on Powderfinger’s first album.
When you are set to throw in your hand When you are far from home When what you believe is buried in your hands When you feel outgrown I’ll be the one to pick you up again When you decide you’ve had enough of it I’ll be the one I’ll be the one When your speech is slow When your eyes are closed When you feel betrayed When your heart is frayed When your feet are cold When your sights are low I’ll be the one to pick you up again When you decide you’ve had enough When you’re set to throw it in I’LL BE THE ONE.
I wish that I was that person for someone. I try hard to be there for Riot Grrrl especially because she has a lot going on, but I think I fail a lot of the time. I am trying to spend more time with her. Not because I think she needs me, but because I like spending time with her & I should make time. Especially if what she has been saying is true; she is going to live in Darwin when she has finished her degree. I am not afraid that she will, I am happy that she has found ‘home’ but I think I should make the most of our friendship while she is still here. She gave me back our book today. Some of the things she said were surprising – she has discovered that someone she knew did not die the way she had been told (in his sleep). That he shot himself in the bathtub & was not found for what sounds like weeks which means that he had absolutely no dignity left. In my opinion it is what he deserves. When she spoke to her mum about it all, her mum said, “I hope he burns in Hell.” That is fair enough I think, but Riot Grrrl said “God forgives & he’s probably in heaven”. I’m not going to stop her believing that but, in my opinion, if God existed, there is no way in Hell that what that man did can be forgiven. I think Riot Grrrl has to come to peace with it, but forgiveness does not come into that equation. That man should spend eternity having to live with what he has done to her. He should have to be tortured for what he has done. There is no forgiveness for such a crime. If God forgives things like that then there is absolutely no point in trying to be good & worry about any of it because he is just going to forgive you. Riot Grrrl isn’t the hypocrite here, God is.