Why do people say “just move on”, “take the high road or “let it go?” I do not understand these terms. I do not understand how something that was, & now isn’t, can just be erased? How do you just turn it off? Continue reading
Sitting on a cold concrete cricket pitch. 2 AM. Vodka – Raspberry.
No one had told me I was clever before
And I began to understand that I could think
I could think what I thought on the page
By writing it down
On the pages you read when we were riding on trains
In the years of late adolescence into early twenties – beyond
Writing & sketching & painting & drawing
Our lives in our broken-girl language that
Engulfed notebooks & scraps of paper on my desk
No one had told me I was allowed to believe before
And I began to understand that I could think & dream
On pages, in notebooks, with pens & with pencils
Sharing echoes of nights & skipping rope ideas
You were the influence & the alcohol & the cricket pitch
That I think about when I am bruised & stuck for material
The idea that I can be clever & totally believe-able
Came from your mind into my hands
To the pen, to the page, to the world – beyond
I wish I could give you something to pay you
For telling me who I was when you could, when you did
But you’ll go to bed tonight empty handed,
Thinking & wondering & painting your dreams
Because you knew what I didn’t when you knew it, way back then
And you’ll live knowing more than I can ever comprehend.
© 2013 Violet Ashes
“The boundaries which divide Life from Death are at best shadowy & vague. Who shall say where the one ends & the other begins?” ~ Edgar Allan Poe
I have thought a lot about boundaries lately. Boundaries between friends, lovers, Man & Wife, the living & the dead; the best situations, & those in which I thrive, are where the boundaries are clearly defined so that one can push them whenever one needs. There is no point scratching at a door that disappears but if you can climb in through the window it is all the more exciting don’t you think?
What I hear is “I don’t trust myself”.
Let me put this down here so that you can hear me. So it can never be deleted. Established 2013.
What I want from you is friendship. I want the kind of friendship that develops over years. Where trust is given but also earned. Where we know so much about each other that it is comfortable & safe. Where we can spend hours together doing activities & our partners can trust us. I want to be able to talk about anything & everything. I want to be able to talk about politics without one of us getting angry & I want to be able to talk about sex without it becoming about you & me. It is not about you & me. It is about the bond.
It does not matter to me that I am attracted to you. I am attracted to lots of people. I would argue that no one is friends with anyone they are not, on some level, attracted to. It is simple biology. Desire is natural. What happens in our heads is entirely ours & no one can judge that. Dreams are not actions.
You said you find this situation unusual. That I would be honest with Corsmor about how I feel. The proposition that you & I can be close without having to have a sexual relationship, you find new & unusual. Well perhaps it is by today’s standards. Today’s standards of unachievable romantic-movie versions of love, friendship & marriage. To me marriage is about constantly learning from each other because you can be completely honest without fear of recrimination or embarrassment. It’s about accepting the other person & vowing to help them become someone more than they are. I see friendship the exact same way. Real friendship. It’s like a marriage & both are hard work. Sure, most of the time they flow along nicely in a routine but you have to keep a constant vigil on that. It stops being easy if no one cares & no one puts in effort.
So here I am, married, which I always wanted to be but never thought I would be. Me. Married. & Corsmor – married? Do you know how many times I have had to field the question,
“How did you get him to marry you?”
It is somewhat insulting & shows how little they know him. I didn’t ‘get him’ to do anything. We fell in love. We spent many years developing a connection & friendship before we ever became a couple & before ever having sex but we had been committed to each other from day one. We both knew we would spend forever together & we’d go to the ends of the earth to make that happen. And we did. That’s the difference.
You & I both have partners who love us & who we love back. They are significantly awesome people. They are the number one’s. They are what makes both of us special. She comes first & so does he. I respect her & I respect what you have together.
I am committed to my friendship with you in the same way I am committed to my marriage. I am committed to learning about you. To being there when you need me & annoying you when you don’t. It’s not logical in my head. It’s just a bond that we seem to have. A bond that I would like to see become something more than friendship, something like best friends, or brother & sisters. But in reality, it probably has a league of its own.
If this is something that you want – if it’s a desire you share or you see this potential in me, then please, keep talking. If not, just say goodbye & let this end. Go back to how you were before we talked. & be happy. Because I can’t do this if you are scared. I can’t do this if you’re unhappy. & I won’t do this if every day we’re faced with fear. Trust yourself. Trust me. If we don’t have that, then there’s nothing here.
It is the days between Xmas & New Year’s Day where I like to take stock & think about the inventory in my life as the year draws to a close. This cocktail that is my life has shaken & stirred me into something unrecognizable from who I was when I was born. It is sweet & it is sour; I have swallowed a lot of stuff I really wanted to spit out but I think I have moulded it into something that tastes divine.
I have been really lucky to find people who like the same variety of life that I like & it makes all those terrifying burning moments more bearable. Sometimes it is just one person I need, sometimes it is a whole bunch & occasionally none of them are my cup of tea, but I know that when life becomes a trifle troubling they will be there for me as I will be for them.
So as I head into 2013 I know that as I negotiate the days I carry with me a little collection of spirits that I enjoy – sweet or sour, they are all welcome in my life & I am happy to share all the days ahead with them.
You know, I have feelings just like anyone else & even though you might think I am a rock on the outside I get hurt just as much as you when you say mean things to me or behind my back. Everyone wants to be liked & not excluded so if you are the kind of person that acts this way & enjoys it then that disappoints me because I really did think you were special.
I would like to know exactly what I have done to Chesty to make her avoid me. When I invite her to lunch there is a new reason not to spend time with me & it feels like “” is constant.
I must stop trying, what is the point after all this rejection. She does not talk to me anymore – not even emails or text messages – time I took the hint!
My family eat up any friends I have. Like I am not good enough to stick to. Or worse my family decide those I choose are not good enough & poison the friendship until I give up & I am alone again.
Last night I was being told how much they love Meta & how well we are suited together. I could not help but think back to the times when they were telling me I should not be friends with him. After he did what..? Made an ill-timed joke at Xmas while all were drunk? Please, what a loose apology. Now I am supposed to be grateful that they all love him? Turns out my choice in friends/men is not so bad after all… Maybe I just worked out it does not matter what anyone else thinks?