Lousy Engineer

Sometimes I wake up not knowing where I am, or who I am. This morning was just like that. Not an out of body experience but the kind of shady-eyed, heart-racing, full-bladder wakeup where you only have one thing on your mind. & once you’ve visited the toilet you look in the mirror as the cold water runs over your hands & you wonder who the hell you are looking at.
“Is that me? Are those my mascara stains?”

YES.

Waking up this week could take forever.

Feels like my body is rejecting me. My brain & heart are in different places & I swear I can feel the spring run through my blood redesigning my DNA. It is never satisfied. Bring back the winter. I approve of the rain & the cold. The long sleeves & the late mornings. The blue dawn & the days I forget my umbrella & refuse to run.

By the end of this week spring will have taken full hold of September & there will be beauty everywhere. Greens, pinks, blues – flowers & faces. I can’t help but let it absorb me but I don’t really approve.

I am not as cruel as you think I am, or as angry.

He works hard & the harder he works, the more often I am alone. The harder he works the more I appreciate him, but the harder he works the less I see of him to appreciate.

It is almost 3pm & the day has been swallowed – I cannot remember what I have done other than write & think & drink cranberry juice. My bladder is screaming at me, I have to go & each time I lose my train of thought & every time I see that girl in the mirror again. I do not know who she is but I would like to peel her face off & build a new one. She is not who I wanted her to be & I cannot figure out how to map my way to who she should have been.

Ashes ©Jan Marie 1986

Oh Captain… My Captain

Patrick Ricard – Rest in Peace Captain.

http://www.pernod-ricard.com/en/pages/3149/Press-releases/Patrick-Ricard-has-passed-away.html

Tank Farm

Gorgeous night at Jacob’s Creek tonight.

Photo: J. Hill

5 Screens

A fantastic day, got the best news!!! Celebrating with champagne, good food & good company!! — at Fig22 at The Wheatsheaf Inn Gawler

Banshee

I am so angry at Procerus at the moment. It is difficult to pin-point why but I am not sure how much longer I can control it. It is as if he tries to appear ‘better’ (more knowledgeable, efficient, well mannered…) than anyone in our team, all the while in reality he is doing next to no work, coasting along but getting hailed a hero for it.
 
Procerus was put in the position with no experience & it shows, at least it does, to me. When there is no manager in ear shot he is so unpleasant, moody & rude that I am sure it must be hard for anyone to believe me when I tell them. The more I try to convince myself I am imagining it the worse he seems to get. The more I tell anyone about it the more they think I am bad mouthing him.
 
I cannot win, but I do not know how much longer I can put up with it without just losing it at him. There’s a “screaming like a banshee” moment coming, I can feel it.

Crazy Week

Crazy week is only days away & I already feel the effects of it & I know it is irrational but I cannot stop it.
 
I found myself extremely angry this morning. It tarnished & enveloped the entire morning & every person I encountered. I could see my anger, my mood, wash over them like a tide & take them to feelings of frustration & impatience that spilled out onto other people. I could not stop it; did not really want to either. There is something bitter sweet about everyone dipping their toes in my emotional lard.
 
They are exhausting; these emotions. Not craziness, but not sanity either.
 
I am a passenger in my own body. I am talking to & directing the person driving but they cannot hear me. I am not sure where it is I would rather they took me but I know that I do not want to be where I am now.
 
So many people are ill in the office I work in. I avoid hem & the thought of becoming ill. Trying to chase the colds & flus away. I do not want to get sick, again. Partly because I am already so tired but mostly because whatever I catch goes to Meta too & I cannot bare to see him suffer.
 
I am not sure why I am feeling this uptight. There is usually something at the centre of it that I am vaguely aware of but this time it is not clear at all.

Depreciating Asset

Work is piling on at the moment & I am feeling pressure in the back of my head. I constantly feel I am going to be blamed for things that go wrong at work & I am not certain why this is, as, I have never really been blamed for anything. It is this workplace this attitude seems bred into the walls & I think almost all the employees feel the same way. There is a certain ‘blame game’ culture that really gets into your pores & eats you alive.
 
A few days ago Quinn said something to me which I will never forget – “nobody comes to work to do a bad job. Everybody tries their hardest or what is the point?” I really like that attitude. I believe it is very true. It certainly is for me. I have never attended work with a slacker attitude or purposely done something that would harm anyone or the company. It is important to me to do the best job I can do at all times.
 
I think, in part, this is from where this culture of fear stems. Employees are coming to work with this attitude but it is not being appreciated. In fact, it is being depreciated. There are Managers & co-workers who want to appear at the ‘top’ who will step on you or downplay your achievements in order to get there. This is even happening between co-workers who should be supporting each other. As each employee feels their position is in jeopardy so they begin to fight for attention & even lie about other employees to get on top.
 
What I cannot work out is, since this is happening at all levels of the company, how is this sustainable? How is a culture of fear & cannibalism sustainable or effective? Surely an atmosphere of (healthy) competition where those who are truly outstanding are rewarded & those who are not are developed & supported with what they need to be outstanding would work better?
 
How does one change an entire culture so that you do not get swallowed by poor management?
 
How does one survive in a place like this without becoming one of them?

Survivor

I had a call from Chesty tonight after we met at Nova. So much is going on at work, I am not sure where to ever start or even if I should.
 
I wrote to PJ today to talk about I feel about her recent behaviour. I received no reply – I did not really expect to. No-one wants to hear negative things about themselves. I believe I am correct in my assessment of her but I would be open to an explanation from her. My gut tells me it is the end of our friendship & although I am sorry for that, I think I tried my best under the circumstances.
 
Although I did not intend to have exposed my family to someone who could be this hurtful I managed to misjudge PJ badly which concerns me.
 
I am watching Survivor as I write. There are similarities with work 🙂 Only we never get to vote anyone off the island. I hate that I keep getting myself involved in all this crap at work. I would like to be able to step back, put my hands up & say “not interested” but I don’t know how to. I cannot in good conscience let all this keep happening & not at least say something.
 
Chesty said,
   “I know you are passionate but you need to be quiet for now & let them lose”. It is hard.
 
I was making soup in the kitchen tonight & behind me I heard
   “shhh, be quiet”. I know who it was. I looked in the window & his reflection was there.
   “Shhh” he said.
   “Be quiet”. He was insistent. I turned around & he was gone.
Now I am feeling a little odd.
 
I have the 14th off work for Chewy’s hearing. I am a little nervous because I know how confused he can get. I have to think positive that it will be okay. The fact I have not shared any of this with my family  or friends makes it difficult to deal with but I do not want to burden them with this. I also find that the more people know about what is going on in my life the more confused I get because they all have their own opinions on what I should do.