Sometimes I wake up not knowing where I am, or who I am. This morning was just like that. Not an out of body experience but the kind of shady-eyed, heart-racing, full-bladder wakeup where you only have one thing on your mind. & once you’ve visited the toilet you look in the mirror as the cold water runs over your hands & you wonder who the hell you are looking at.
“Is that me? Are those my mascara stains?”
Waking up this week could take forever.
Feels like my body is rejecting me. My brain & heart are in different places & I swear I can feel the spring run through my blood redesigning my DNA. It is never satisfied. Bring back the winter. I approve of the rain & the cold. The long sleeves & the late mornings. The blue dawn & the days I forget my umbrella & refuse to run.
By the end of this week spring will have taken full hold of September & there will be beauty everywhere. Greens, pinks, blues – flowers & faces. I can’t help but let it absorb me but I don’t really approve.
I am not as cruel as you think I am, or as angry.
He works hard & the harder he works, the more often I am alone. The harder he works the more I appreciate him, but the harder he works the less I see of him to appreciate.
It is almost 3pm & the day has been swallowed – I cannot remember what I have done other than write & think & drink cranberry juice. My bladder is screaming at me, I have to go & each time I lose my train of thought & every time I see that girl in the mirror again. I do not know who she is but I would like to peel her face off & build a new one. She is not who I wanted her to be & I cannot figure out how to map my way to who she should have been.
Ashes ©Jan Marie 1986
Gorgeous night at Jacob’s Creek tonight.
Photo: J. Hill
A fantastic day, got the best news!!! Celebrating with champagne, good food & good company!! — at Fig22 at The Wheatsheaf Inn Gawler
I am so angry at Procerus at the moment. It is difficult to pin-point why but I am not sure how much longer I can control it. It is as if he tries to appear ‘better’ (more knowledgeable, efficient, well mannered…) than anyone in our team, all the while in reality he is doing next to no work, coasting along but getting hailed a hero for it.
Procerus was put in the position with no experience & it shows, at least it does, to me. When there is no manager in ear shot he is so unpleasant, moody & rude that I am sure it must be hard for anyone to believe me when I tell them. The more I try to convince myself I am imagining it the worse he seems to get. The more I tell anyone about it the more they think I am bad mouthing him.
I cannot win, but I do not know how much longer I can put up with it without just losing it at him. There’s a “screaming like a banshee” moment coming, I can feel it.
Crazy week is only days away & I already feel the effects of it & I know it is irrational but I cannot stop it.
I found myself extremely angry this morning. It tarnished & enveloped the entire morning & every person I encountered. I could see my anger, my mood, wash over them like a tide & take them to feelings of frustration & impatience that spilled out onto other people. I could not stop it; did not really want to either. There is something bitter sweet about everyone dipping their toes in my emotional lard.
They are exhausting; these emotions. Not craziness, but not sanity either.
I am a passenger in my own body. I am talking to & directing the person driving but they cannot hear me. I am not sure where it is I would rather they took me but I know that I do not want to be where I am now.
So many people are ill in the office I work in. I avoid hem & the thought of becoming ill. Trying to chase the colds & flus away. I do not want to get sick, again. Partly because I am already so tired but mostly because whatever I catch goes to Meta too & I cannot bare to see him suffer.
I am not sure why I am feeling this uptight. There is usually something at the centre of it that I am vaguely aware of but this time it is not clear at all.
Work is piling on at the moment & I am feeling pressure in the back of my head. I constantly feel I am going to be blamed for things that go wrong at work & I am not certain why this is, as, I have never really been blamed for anything. It is this workplace this attitude seems bred into the walls & I think almost all the employees feel the same way. There is a certain ‘blame game’ culture that really gets into your pores & eats you alive.
A few days ago Quinn said something to me which I will never forget – “nobody comes to work to do a bad job. Everybody tries their hardest or what is the point?” I really like that attitude. I believe it is very true. It certainly is for me. I have never attended work with a slacker attitude or purposely done something that would harm anyone or the company. It is important to me to do the best job I can do at all times.
I think, in part, this is from where this culture of fear stems. Employees are coming to work with this attitude but it is not being appreciated. In fact, it is being depreciated. There are Managers & co-workers who want to appear at the ‘top’ who will step on you or downplay your achievements in order to get there. This is even happening between co-workers who should be supporting each other. As each employee feels their position is in jeopardy so they begin to fight for attention & even lie about other employees to get on top.
What I cannot work out is, since this is happening at all levels of the company, how is this sustainable? How is a culture of fear & cannibalism sustainable or effective? Surely an atmosphere of (healthy) competition where those who are truly outstanding are rewarded & those who are not are developed & supported with what they need to be outstanding would work better?
How does one change an entire culture so that you do not get swallowed by poor management?
How does one survive in a place like this without becoming one of them?