Patience & Fear

Light many lamps & gather round his bed.
Lend him your eyes, warm blood, & will to live.
Speak to him; rouse him; you may save him yet.
He’s young; he hated war; how should he die
When cruel old campaigners win safe through?
But Death replied: ‘I choose him.’ So he went,
& there was silence in the summer night;
Silence & safety; & the veils of sleep.
Then, far away, the thunder of the guns.
— Siegfried Sassoon: The Death-Bed

The desperation that filled me a month ago is easing slowly every day. I am distracted by the fact that in a month I will leave the job I have been doing for 10 years & training my replacement. A decision Corsmor & I made when we found out about Pip & now I have to accept & live with it despite the fact things have changed. They are moving my job to Sydney & we decided not to go – I try every day not to think about the ‘what-if’s’ & just hope that somehow this will turn out right.
I remind myself that I am not alone. That many women & men have gone through this & so much worse before. I do get comfort from knowing that time may mend this & must be patient. It is an exercise in tolerance & fear all at once.

Crazy Week

Crazy week is only days away & I already feel the effects of it & I know it is irrational but I cannot stop it.
 
I found myself extremely angry this morning. It tarnished & enveloped the entire morning & every person I encountered. I could see my anger, my mood, wash over them like a tide & take them to feelings of frustration & impatience that spilled out onto other people. I could not stop it; did not really want to either. There is something bitter sweet about everyone dipping their toes in my emotional lard.
 
They are exhausting; these emotions. Not craziness, but not sanity either.
 
I am a passenger in my own body. I am talking to & directing the person driving but they cannot hear me. I am not sure where it is I would rather they took me but I know that I do not want to be where I am now.
 
So many people are ill in the office I work in. I avoid hem & the thought of becoming ill. Trying to chase the colds & flus away. I do not want to get sick, again. Partly because I am already so tired but mostly because whatever I catch goes to Meta too & I cannot bare to see him suffer.
 
I am not sure why I am feeling this uptight. There is usually something at the centre of it that I am vaguely aware of but this time it is not clear at all.

Depreciating Asset

Work is piling on at the moment & I am feeling pressure in the back of my head. I constantly feel I am going to be blamed for things that go wrong at work & I am not certain why this is, as, I have never really been blamed for anything. It is this workplace this attitude seems bred into the walls & I think almost all the employees feel the same way. There is a certain ‘blame game’ culture that really gets into your pores & eats you alive.
 
A few days ago Quinn said something to me which I will never forget – “nobody comes to work to do a bad job. Everybody tries their hardest or what is the point?” I really like that attitude. I believe it is very true. It certainly is for me. I have never attended work with a slacker attitude or purposely done something that would harm anyone or the company. It is important to me to do the best job I can do at all times.
 
I think, in part, this is from where this culture of fear stems. Employees are coming to work with this attitude but it is not being appreciated. In fact, it is being depreciated. There are Managers & co-workers who want to appear at the ‘top’ who will step on you or downplay your achievements in order to get there. This is even happening between co-workers who should be supporting each other. As each employee feels their position is in jeopardy so they begin to fight for attention & even lie about other employees to get on top.
 
What I cannot work out is, since this is happening at all levels of the company, how is this sustainable? How is a culture of fear & cannibalism sustainable or effective? Surely an atmosphere of (healthy) competition where those who are truly outstanding are rewarded & those who are not are developed & supported with what they need to be outstanding would work better?
 
How does one change an entire culture so that you do not get swallowed by poor management?
 
How does one survive in a place like this without becoming one of them?

Survivor

I had a call from Chesty tonight after we met at Nova. So much is going on at work, I am not sure where to ever start or even if I should.
 
I wrote to PJ today to talk about I feel about her recent behaviour. I received no reply – I did not really expect to. No-one wants to hear negative things about themselves. I believe I am correct in my assessment of her but I would be open to an explanation from her. My gut tells me it is the end of our friendship & although I am sorry for that, I think I tried my best under the circumstances.
 
Although I did not intend to have exposed my family to someone who could be this hurtful I managed to misjudge PJ badly which concerns me.
 
I am watching Survivor as I write. There are similarities with work 🙂 Only we never get to vote anyone off the island. I hate that I keep getting myself involved in all this crap at work. I would like to be able to step back, put my hands up & say “not interested” but I don’t know how to. I cannot in good conscience let all this keep happening & not at least say something.
 
Chesty said,
   “I know you are passionate but you need to be quiet for now & let them lose”. It is hard.
 
I was making soup in the kitchen tonight & behind me I heard
   “shhh, be quiet”. I know who it was. I looked in the window & his reflection was there.
   “Shhh” he said.
   “Be quiet”. He was insistent. I turned around & he was gone.
Now I am feeling a little odd.
 
I have the 14th off work for Chewy’s hearing. I am a little nervous because I know how confused he can get. I have to think positive that it will be okay. The fact I have not shared any of this with my family  or friends makes it difficult to deal with but I do not want to burden them with this. I also find that the more people know about what is going on in my life the more confused I get because they all have their own opinions on what I should do.