Today is the first of a precious few winter days without rain & the first time I have had to get out into my garden & explore. It is a different place in the winter – the plants either go dormant or thrive. There are hues of brown & purple that are not visible in other months.
I find the garden to be one of the only places I can go to just be where I do not have to think. My mind clears & I lose hours in a sunny afternoon pottering about. Without the garden I would be lost. Sometimes it is not enough to look out from my kitchen window; I was pleased to get out in the sunlight today & took my camera with me.
I have been experimenting with coloured & macro lens filters – it is much more difficult than I imagined. There is no ‘point & shoot’ scenario – it takes time & patience; both of which I find sparse at the moment. The first of our winter blooms came out of hiding with the unseasonable sun – I hope there will be more in the days to come.
Sometimes I wake up not knowing where I am, or who I am. This morning was just like that. Not an out of body experience but the kind of shady-eyed, heart-racing, full-bladder wakeup where you only have one thing on your mind. & once you’ve visited the toilet you look in the mirror as the cold water runs over your hands & you wonder who the hell you are looking at. “Is that me? Are those my mascara stains?”
Waking up this week could take forever.
Feels like my body is rejecting me. My brain & heart are in different places & I swear I can feel the spring run through my blood redesigning my DNA. It is never satisfied. Bring back the winter. I approve of the rain & the cold. The long sleeves & the late mornings. The blue dawn & the days I forget my umbrella & refuse to run.
By the end of this week spring will have taken full hold of September & there will be beauty everywhere. Greens, pinks, blues – flowers & faces. I can’t help but let it absorb me but I don’t really approve.
I am not as cruel as you think I am, or as angry.
He works hard & the harder he works, the more often I am alone. The harder he works the more I appreciate him, but the harder he works the less I see of him to appreciate.
It is almost 3pm & the day has been swallowed – I cannot remember what I have done other than write & think & drink cranberry juice. My bladder is screaming at me, I have to go & each time I lose my train of thought & every time I see that girl in the mirror again. I do not know who she is but I would like to peel her face off & build a new one. She is not who I wanted her to be & I cannot figure out how to map my way to who she should have been.
I fucking love days like today. It is sunny & warm, only a few clouds in the sky, love it. 26°C. Although I do love spring, winter is by far my favourite season – but it comes at a price. I start out loving curling up & listening to the rain. My days spent inside by the fire reading & writing. By the end of it all though I find myself so down & my mood so depressed. My writing stops or becomes dark & incoherent. I start getting sick & I fight with everyone. Nothing seems to satisfy me & I start to find fault with everything around me. Today, though, I feel that spring air on my face & I feel strong. I feel like I am able to put the bad stuff away & get on with building my life. Reading that back it sounds like I have overdosed on Oprah but I don’t mean it to sound cheesy. I just want to live & to keep living. No fear, no anger, just life. I don’t want to use the negative to keep a wall around me anymore. When I look around, all I see are walls & it is only me inside & that is not enough. It is lonely in here.