A prenatal scan at 6 weeks revealed we had lost our second baby. After a week of bleeding & bed-rest this was not a surprise but, again, we had hoped that all would be well. Again, I feel like I am in pieces strewn all over the ground – like there is a chalk outline following me every where I go.
We had to wait another week for a second scan which thankfully revealed I did not need a Dilation & Curette to remove the baby as I did last time. I say ‘thankfully’ because it was so traumatic last time – for both of us. The physical pain, though, was more severe this time. I was not ready for it.
The hardest thing, I think, is the waiting. Pregnancy is nothing but waiting. It is a total lack of control. This time I really had felt quite well, I felt positive & excited. Corsmor was certainly more cautious than I. His caution weighs on me, a blanket of guilt.
There is a lot going on around us at the moment & I feel eyes on us. I feel them expecting us to move on from this much faster than we did last time. The surprising thing is that it does get easier. Which in itself fills me with guilt. What I really fear is that we won’t get time to process it together. To plan our next move; forward motion, onward. These losses are the things that tear couples apart. I have seen it.
Corsmor & I are told we should not make having a baby our priority or our goal. That we need to devote time to careers, real estate, travel & time together. However, having a baby means the world to us, it seems impossible not to make it our goal. It is one of the reasons we married – to start a family. We never imagined it would be difficult. I left my job knowing we would start a family & I would have all of me to devote without the stress of my job which had been highly stressful & all-consuming…
A year & 2 miscarriages later we are still without a family or any promise of one. It feels so far away. Sometimes I feel like a character in my own book. Everyone around me playing their parts. If only I could see the ending – if only I could skip to the last page & know it all turns out okay, how much easier all this might be.
Violet Ashes 