Tag Archives: children

Small

It’s 5:32am & my little boy is stirring from a night of quiet dreams. My stomach flutters each time his sweet voice comes through the monitor. I lie here listening & hoping he returns to his peaceful mind; for a few more hours, at least.

Nothing makes me happier than holding him in my arms & knowing he is safe. Each time we part I feel insecure & protective. Sometimes I sneak a look at him dreaming in his cot & I vehemently hope he will always be safe & know that he is loved & wanted.

My boy, growing so fast, before my eyes. His hand, once so small that he could only grasp my individual fingers, now grows so quickly that I find us palm to palm. His long fingers interlocking mine, for a moment, & then loose again & always sticky.

He reaches out for his Dad & says his first words “Dad, Dad, Dad…” & every time I hear that little voice it makes me giggle with its insistent, soft tone.

No one will ever be more loved than our children, of that, I am certain.

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© Violet Ashes 2015

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Velveteen Inspiration

A little while ago I became a Patron of one of my heroes, Amanda Palmer. Being a Patron means I help to pay for her art. It means she can make the art & music she likes without needing a record company. Right now, she is 8 months pregnant & yesterday she stood naked in full body paint in front of the New York Public Library to raise awareness for literacy & gather books from supporters for needy children. She stood as a living replica of the Verity statue by Damien Hirst & as people dropped off books she moved to a new position. Anyone who has been 8 months pregnant will know standing still for any amount of time is difficult & painful so I was in awe of her efforts. Literacy is something Amanda obviously feels passionate about, as I do, so when she stated in a recent interview that her favourite children’s book is ‘The Velveteen Rabbit‘ I could not ignore what is for me, a meaningful coincidence. Continue reading

6 Weeks & None

A prenatal scan at 6 weeks revealed we had lost our second baby. After a week of bleeding & bed-rest this was not a surprise but, again, we had hoped that all would be well. Again, I feel like I am in pieces strewn all over the ground – like there is a chalk outline following me every where I go.

We had to wait another week for a second scan which thankfully revealed I did not need a Dilation & Curette to remove the baby as I did last time. I say ‘thankfully’ because it was so traumatic last time – for both of us. The physical pain, though, was more severe this time. I was not ready for it.

The hardest thing, I think, is the waiting. Pregnancy is nothing but waiting. It is a total lack of control. This time I really had felt quite well, I felt positive & excited. Corsmor was certainly more cautious than I. His caution weighs on me, a blanket of guilt.

There is a lot going on around us at the moment & I feel eyes on us. I feel them expecting us to move on from this much faster than we did last time. The surprising thing is that it does get easier. Which in itself fills me with guilt. What I really fear is that we won’t get time to process it together. To plan our next move; forward motion, onward. These losses are the things that tear couples apart. I have seen it.

Corsmor & I are told we should not make having a baby our priority or our goal. That we need to devote time to careers, real estate, travel & time together. However, having a baby means the world to us, it seems impossible not to make it our goal. It is one of the reasons we married – to start a family. We never imagined it would be difficult. I left my job knowing we would start a family & I would have all of me to devote without the stress of my job which had been highly stressful & all-consuming…

A year & 2 miscarriages later we are still without a family or any promise of one. It feels so far away. Sometimes I feel like a character in my own book. Everyone around me playing their parts. If only I could see the ending – if only I could skip to the last page & know it all turns out okay, how much easier all this might be.

chalk-outline

Alexander Jansson

~ Alexander Jansson ~ a man whose illustrations make me want to slip right into the image & explore. He opens up so many words & I am thinking of making wallpaper of his images – they are true fantasy – I want to disappear into them & become one of the characters. I can stare at them for hours & continue to see something new, whether it is a face or a light or a tree. Always something new to see. His images fuel my imagination. They are the kind of images I would like to hang in the bedroom of my children. Something to fuel their imaginations & their dreams.

“Dreams are illustrations… from the book your soul is writing about you.”
 ~~ Marsha Norman (American Playwright & Dramatist won Pulitzer (1983) for Night Mother)

Alexander Jansson - 2010 The Bridge

Alexander Jansson - 2010 It Was a Dull Night

Alexander Jansson - Transition (night)

Alexander Jansson - Dogen and Boyds flying curiosity shop

Alexander Jansson - 2011 The Stairs

Alexander Jansson - 2010 Kates Motel

Alexander Jansson - 2010 Evening