When Meta & I make love & he has or is speeding things are unlike our usual session. He is aggressive, he is matter of fact; he is demanding & experimental.
Today while sucking his cock before I slipped into my subspace I was considering his mind & whether he knew I was there – whether his apparent semi-disinterest was nothing more than him entering his own space. I pondered & doubted whether (despite his erection) he enjoyed my attention to him at all. Whether his arousal was more about wanting than it was about sharing. All of which in my honest heart has little effect on my own enjoyment of him. My mind wandered as he forced his cock as far down my throat as he was able, as my eyes watered & I began to feel the hotness between my thighs – it wandered to the times he has shown me the inside of his heart through passion, & through his unending desire. It wandered to the first time we made love, to the 4 hours of head sex where he came but once & I wondered how much speed he had ingested that day. Whether he was nervous & needed that to settle his mind, to concentrate.
Years of our love & sex laid are out in text messages & inboxes. In emails & in words. In looks & in slight burning touches of our skin. Rarely moving close enough for anyone outside our bodies to notice. The fire between us burns strong. This fire is contained at the moment. It is unable to spill out of us. It is in moments like today when I ponder his love & his passion that I find the fire of this love to be so powerful.
He asked me without words to remove my clothes & I complied. I moved from his cock to kiss his mouth but I was met with a stone like look, I am not sure where he was but he was not entirely with me. I could not hear the porn in the background, I had barely noticed it at all as we laid together watching it. I had been intently listening to his heart beat ever increasing until I spoke & until he ordered me to suck…
He is making himself a drink in our Barn kitchen, he is floating as I walk past him to the bathroom & he gives me no eye contact & I wonder if I am being punished. I again walk past him to the bedroom to put on my clothes after cleaning up & again he is absently operating without a sense that I am there. Not intentional perhaps but perhaps representative of his state of mind? I wonder for a moment if he had thought the water from my eyes was tears & not my bodies simple gag reflex. It did not seem of concern to him at the time. Although as I was trapped in my own thoughts of him while sucking him I was unaware if he was watching me at all.
I must remember to look him in the eye. I would like to command his attention. His gaze over me. I have been unable to achieve this. I am unable… I am… unable…
I cannot wait for tomorrow. To be next to him, a whole day, just us. So much to look forward to.
“I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.” ― Anaïs Nin
I have decided I will start taking my meds again tomorrow. It has been 2 weeks, 2 weeks of freedom. Meta calls it a rollercoaster but noted he had not read the word ‘numb’ in a while. That is because I have not been numb this whole time – freedom fortnight – but the anger is creeping in again & I cannot afford to lose what I have gained.
There is one thing that remains constant whether I am on or off the meds; the fact that I want to die. I just have more fun trying to get it done while I am off them. Which is not to say it is a game, it is not. It would be a pretty silly game if it were. I keep thinking about Sunday. I wish Meta had pressed his hands a little harder on me when we were in the car – the struggle between two personalities. The Ashes on the inside & the Nectar on the outside. I could have died in that moment. I was so ready for it. All parts of me were ready for me to come out.
I remember the version of me the day I first met Meta in the city. When I walked up to him & we walked down O’Connell Street together, bumping shoulders. There was something about him I had never felt before. Something unique & sticky that made me drawn to his insides. It made me want to devour him with each accidental touch. All day that feeling nagged at me. It will never make sense to me why two people who had met in the written word world had chosen the silence of a cinema to meet. Where no words could be exchanged. When we sat there our hands brushed against each other so many times. I knew in his eyes who he was & he knew in mine. In the final moments he kissed me unexpectedly & passionately & I asked him,
“I just wanted to know if it was real.” & it was. It still is.
Between then & now there have been so many unspoken conversations. So many deleted lines. So many things I wish I had not said to him. So much hurt & so much pain. A trip to Mars & a trip to the crazy house. More trips to hospitals & cuts than I can name & still we manage to find each other at the end of the day in the silence of our loveless homes.
Today Chesty said to me
“You & Meta get along so well, you really are amused by the things he says & he really makes you laugh. It is rare to have a male friend that makes you feel so comfortable & so happy. Clearly you love each other very much”.
She is right. I could not have said it better myself
Metatron: you need to laugh
Ashes: I need you.
Metatron: you have me. and thats something you dont have to ask for i really panic when i cant find you.. i get so scared i cant breath.. i need you
Ashes: Do you think I am not coming back? Is that why you panic?
Metatron: i dont think at all.. i cant get past you not being here
Ashes: I do not mean to make you panic… though I could if I were evil… kidding. I am sorry
Metatron: im thinking about having you chipped
Ashes: only if you do it yourself
He makes me want so many things I cannot have.
1. Were you smiling when you woke up this morning?
No, it was before the sun came up and I was not pleased
2. When was the last time you met someone new?
yesterday – the new chick @ work
3. What is irritating you right now?
4. when was the last time you ate pizza?
a looooong time ago
5. When was the last time you held someone’s hand?
today, my nephew
6. Do you have any famous friends?
yes – one of them is on tour a the moment, one is shooting up drugs to avoid touring, one just lost his seat in the state election, one is locked away writing his next novel & one is drawing cartoons somewhere in Glasgow
7. What’s the last book you read?
Lighthouse Family – Jeanette Winterson
8. Last words you heard spoken?
“1200 spires, the only sound – Moscow burning”
9. Have you ever kissed anyone who’s name started with a G?
10. Besides your bed, what is your favorite thing in your room?
My locked wooden box of old letters
11. Do you enjoy piercings and tattoos?
12. Who is in the room with you?
Neo & Violet is fading in and out
13. What are you wearing on your feet?
14. What is the next concert you’re going to?
16. What was the last concert you saw?
17. Can you play the drums?
I tried but I can’t coordinate my hands and feet
18. What’s the closest item near you that is blue?
The power lights on the laptop
20. Do you prefer warm or cold weather?
the colder the better
21. Is any part of your body sore?
yes my left wrist and my stomach
22. What do you wear more, jeans, sweatpants or slacks?
23. What is the last movie you watched?
24. What do you currently hear right now?
Tori Amos singing “Datura” & the hum of the airconditioner
25. When did you last buy a pair of pants?
26. When did you last take a picture with someone?
23rd November – Chewy’s birthday
27.Have you ever tripped in public, regained your balance, and been embarrassed?
yes but I don’t get embarrassed
28. Where did you sleep last? With anyone?
my bed with Neo
29. Where do you shop the most?
31. Coach Purse or NFL game tickets?
32. Where was your default picture taken?
33. Why did you pick your background?
Cos I like it
34. What do you currently smell like?
35. What did you eat last?
Jatz biscuits and cheese 2 days ago and a coffee
36. Would you rather watch football or baseball?
37. Missing someone right now?
Yeah Metatron called me and I missed his call and he isn’t replying to my txts… he is out in the desert organising flights so I suppose he can’t be blamed.
38. What’s the strangest fact about you?
I adore pain & twisties & icecream. Not necessarily in that order.
39. Where is your number one person on your friends list?
Probably smashed off his tits on Absinthe and painting watercolours
41. Do you feel like dancing?
42. Last person you texted?
Metatron – but like I said before, he’s not replying…
43. How much money do you have on you?
44. Do you sleep naked?
45. Is there someone on your mind that shouldn’t be?
Yes he isn’t replying to my texts I said that already!
46. Do you burn easily in the sun?
Nope I don’t go out in the sun I am a goth silly
47. Do you speak another language other than English?
French, a little Russian, Romanian, Japanese and Hungarian
48. Do you still like the last person you kissed?
I love him but I don’t like him very much at the moment
50. Who were the last people you went out to dinner with?
51. What was the last text message you sent?
“sorry I missed your text – I miss you”
52. What was the weather like today?
hot and sticky
53. Where did your last hug take place?
in my kitchen
54. Did you cry today?
55. Who are you spending christmas with?
Chewy & Neo
Current mood: exhausted
Delete or not to delete. That is the question. When someone sends a text message that you feel is important for whatever reason, do you keep them? Even if it is for years? Would you delete it because someone asked you to?
This afternoon Violet & I sat down for a conversation on the lawn & she told me how she finds herself keeping text messages that she feels are important & sometimes, some that are not but she likes what they say. Perhaps it is because she likes how they make her feel is what I suggested. She had some strange reasons for deleting them. Apart from the obvious “my phone was full” she explained that sometimes it just felt right. Like something had come to an end & she didn’t need to rely on that text message to make her feel that way anymore.
Personally I delete everything straight away in case someone happens to scroll through my phone. Many things in there I don’t wish certain people to read or have access to. I cannot risk my words being misconstrued, or my text partner for that matter. So, in the event that something is sent to you, that marks some sort of occasion or turning point – what is your protocol? When is the right time to delete something you have been hanging on to for years?
Current mood: infuriated
Corsmor (aka Metatron)
“I don’t deliberately keep messages, however, I do go through many, many, many phones. It’s nice to read through very old conversations, even the bad ones. There’s also the ‘you said’ factor that always comes in handy for those occasions when one is accused of saying something…. but in general I think messages should be deleted as soon as my memories full..”