Sunburn

There is so much I would like to say but no chance of knowing where to begin so I feel that until I do know that I should not. I do not even know how to tell you that much.

What happened did not just come out of nowhere. I felt trapped & coaxed into a corner; into subjects & actions & a darkness where I had not wanted to go. Then you described yourself as a vampire & I knew I was looking down into my grave. Then you said I was not special & I knew that I had been buried.

You said the most important thing in a friendship is trust. Then you told me you trust no one because everybody has their price. How can something be important to you that you, yourself, are not willing to give?

This plays over in my head. I re-read everything in my mind. I play it back in my voice, in your voice, from different angles, upside down. Nothing. This is all still a mess to me & I do not know how to come back from here.

In the very beginning I told you that I always disappoint people. That I always fuck things up. That it was, this time, important to me that did not happen.

Well here we are & here I have done just that. I am left with a silence caused by my own words & my own darkness leaking out into yours.

I wish there was a light that would fix this. I wish I could switch it on & the page would fill with a glow that erased the hurt & confusion. I wish we could talk. Even if you are a vampire. After all it wouldn’t have to be sunlight & if I were real careful, maybe neither of us would get burned.

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