When Meta & I make love & he has or is speeding things are unlike our usual session. He is aggressive, he is matter of fact; he is demanding & experimental.

Today while sucking his cock before I slipped into my subspace I was considering his mind & whether he knew I was there – whether his apparent semi-disinterest was nothing more than him entering his own space. I pondered & doubted whether (despite his erection) he enjoyed my attention to him at all. Whether his arousal was more about wanting than it was about sharing. All of which in my honest heart has little effect on my own enjoyment of him. My mind wandered as he forced his cock as far down my throat as he was able, as my eyes watered & I began to feel the hotness between my thighs – it wandered to the times he has shown me the inside of his heart through passion, & through his unending desire. It wandered to the first time we made love, to the 4 hours of head sex where he came but once & I wondered how much speed he had ingested that day. Whether he was nervous & needed that to settle his mind, to concentrate.

Years of our love & sex laid are out in text messages & inboxes. In emails & in words. In looks & in slight burning touches of our skin. Rarely moving close enough for anyone outside our bodies to notice. The fire between us burns strong. This fire is contained at the moment. It is unable to spill out of us. It is in moments like today when I ponder his love & his passion that I find the fire of this love to be so powerful.

He asked me without words to remove my clothes & I complied. I moved from his cock to kiss his mouth but I was met with a stone like look, I am not sure where he was but he was not entirely with me. I could not hear the porn in the background, I had barely noticed it at all as we laid together watching it. I had been intently listening to his heart beat ever increasing until I spoke & until he ordered me to suck…

He is making himself a drink in our Barn kitchen, he is floating as I walk past him to the bathroom & he gives me no eye contact & I wonder if I am being punished. I again walk past him to the bedroom to put on my clothes after cleaning up & again he is absently operating without a sense that I am there. Not intentional perhaps but perhaps representative of his state of mind? I wonder for a moment if he had thought the water from my eyes was tears & not my bodies simple gag reflex. It did not seem of concern to him at the time. Although as I was trapped in my own thoughts of him while sucking him I was unaware if he was watching me at all.

I must remember to look him in the eye. I would like to command his attention. His gaze over me. I have been unable to achieve this. I am unable… I am… unable…

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