I fucking love days like today. It is sunny & warm, only a few clouds in the sky, love it. 26°C. Although I do love spring, winter is by far my favourite season – but it comes at a price. I start out loving curling up & listening to the rain. My days spent inside by the fire reading & writing. By the end of it all though I find myself so down & my mood so depressed. My writing stops or becomes dark & incoherent. I start getting sick & I fight with everyone. Nothing seems to satisfy me & I start to find fault with everything around me.
Today, though, I feel that spring air on my face & I feel strong. I feel like I am able to put the bad stuff away & get on with building my life. Reading that back it sounds like I have overdosed on Oprah but I don’t mean it to sound cheesy. I just want to live & to keep living. No fear, no anger, just life. I don’t want to use the negative to keep a wall around me anymore. When I look around, all I see are walls & it is only me inside & that is not enough. It is lonely in here.
Creatures awakening to join the midnight hour
I am but one who slithers in the mist
Like a crypt I am locked beneath the world
Swept under for no one to see or to hear
Your sweet words of benediction cannot save my soul
The night time sounds bring resurrection to the day
From here I will enter the unknown — tomorrow.
I want to be ready.
©Violet Ashes 1998
I wrote that poem some time ago but it is only now I am coming to an understanding of it. Have I got what it takes to start over?