Ratiocination

 
Ratiocination
I had a dream
Dismal dream
Nightmare dream
Scream
Woke to a scream
In the room
Dark room
Bedroom
Felt eminent doom
White walled fear
In the air fear
My fear
Saw death near
Heard the night bite
Flesh bite
Struggled sleep to fight
Fire fight
Time for thought rational
Felt rational
Ration-All
Take pieces & fall
Deep sleep fall
I see a dream
Distant dream
Silent dream
©Violet Ashes 1999
 
I wrote this about a week ago after being tormented for a week by the same nightmare every night. After I wrote it I stopped having the dream. Maybe that was just coincidence, I hope not. I think my poetry is improving, I have been looking back at some of the stuff I have written & I do not like a lot of it. I hope that I keep improving, I would hate to think that this was all I have in me.
 
I have a job interview tomorrow night, I am not looking forward to it but I need the work. It does mean I won’t be able to catch the train back with Riot Grrrl but I am sure she will understand. I might be able to convince Digger to go with her, I don’t like her catching it late at night without me.
 
I feel tired all the time at the moment – I am smack bang in the middle of accepting so many things that have happened to me. Trying to work through them all at once. I seem to have less trouble with some of the things than I used to; trying to understand why MC did the things to me that he did. I still have days where wondering is as far as I can get & understanding seems so far away. I don’t have the nightmares anymore & I don’t flinch when Digger’s hands come near my face. It has only taken 5 years but I am closer to knowing that it is all over & I cannot be hurt anymore.
 

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